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My first sexual experience was the same weekend of my first kiss. A little sluty maybe? Not really, after all, I had thought she was the one , you know the one I would share my whole life with. Until we die.

But she’s the one that’s gone.

“I wanna be big and let go, of this grudge that’s grown old, all this time I’ve not known how to rest this bygone…………………..I wanna forgive for the both of us.”

“Maybe as I lay this to rest dead weight off my shoulders will rise.”

Okay… here goes nothing.

July 15, 2001

-I remember you, love, I remember your scent, your taste, your laugh, your eyes, your hair, your touch, your hands, your lips, your body, you being soft, you being hard, you being hot, you being sad, you being happy, you being with me. -

She told me we had to go to her grandparents house so that I could take the bus home. She said “Don’t worry, I’m going with you, I’ll come back alone though.” I breathed easier.

We rode down the hour it takes to get there in the back of her Mom’s car. She pointed out favorite spots of hers. I was happy, this warm feeling was in my stomach.

She told me, “My grandparent’s don’t know I’m gay.”

I was crushed. I wanted to be open with these new feelings and this new love blooming in my heart. She said we needed to be careful. I agreed.

I met them, her whole family, in that one night, at dinner outside, where I froze my ass off and waited patiently for her to look at me, talk to me, be with me.

I was shivering all through dinner.

That evening her Mom hugged me, said I should come back to their house a lot and that I was welcome where ever her daughter was welcome. Said I’d impressed her and her parents.

They all hugged, every one except me, and then two by two they left.

Her grandmother came over to her and asked her where we wanted to sleep, if we were okay sleeping in the same bed…etc… she led us into the back bedroom.

My love was terrified , and fidgity, for some reason that I didn’t understand. She said she’d miss me and when was the next time we could see each other?

I said, “Soon.”

We got ready for bed. We got in bed. The sheets were so soft, the room was chilly. I was still freezing. When she laid next to me I suddenly felt warm, from my fingertips to my toes .

She laughed nervously. “I can’t believe we are sleeping together in my grandparents house, and I am so glad you’re here.”

I told her I’d had a great time. She said she was sorry for ignoring my all night, she just didn’t know how to act around them and me and the same time.

I started to cry.

She started to comfort me……and the rest is, as they say, herstory.

******************

What do I really remember from the whole “sex” thing? I remember images, mostly…. I remember feeling very nervous and self-conscious. I remember feeling “i’m too fat, I’m too short, she won’t like it, I won’t like it, I can;t do this, am I expected to reciprocate?”

I remeber thinking ” if I wind up making love to her too will I like it? what if I don’t!?”

and then I remember her tounge on my nipples, her hands at my sides, her fingers brushing my skin. I remember her lips touching every inch of my body and then some.

I remember my hands in her hair, my hands at her back, my hands on her skin, my lips on her skin, my tongue on her skin, and everywhere else except the one place I was afraid to go. I remember her telling me it was okay and then I remember feelings. I remember at some point being very very tierd. then suddenly, her tongue is on my clit and I’ like OMG! because I hadn’t ever felt that before. I remember getting so close to orgasm that is scared me and I pushed her away, then I pulled her up on top of me and begged her just to stay there, I remember kissing her….and kissing her…. and tasting myself for the first time….and kissing her again.

I remember putting my clothes back on and curling up with her, even though she was confused and couldn’t figure out if I had come or not. I told her “How would I know?” and she asked me if she should have penetrated me. I said no, not here. Not here.

And then we slept.

Peaceful, together, finally one, and finally… I was the me I was always meant to be.

Oh I remember you love. I always will.