thelesbianlifestyle.com

There have been four girls.

The first was my first. L was flighty, loud, totally manipulative and wonderfully controlling. When she left I wasn’t surprised although I was still hurt. She left me for a guy. I was the only girl she ever dated. She told me it was just an experiment after dumping me.

Then there was A. the girl I feel hardest for. We never dated. We were best friends (of course) and came out to eachother on the same day (“I have something to tell you..” “me too” “you go first” “no you” “okay.. well, I hope you won’t think any differently of me.. but I have a girlfriend” “WHAT?!” “…what?” “ME TOO! THATS WHAT I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU” “…wow”) We made out the way crazed teenagers usually do. I left accidental bruises on her throat, not used to the soft skin of girls yet. She pretended that she wasn’t interested, scared of the boy I was dating. I would have left him for her, but she didn’t know that and it only came out a few years later. My love for her has always scared her away, and we remain the closest friends. There was her first girlfriend, then me, but after those she stopped expressing desire for any girl. occasionally she comments on a passing beauty, but nothing like the disgusting lust I display.

There was a shy younger girl, T. She had fantastic breasts and we only kissed when the two of us had been made loose with booze. We fell asleep naked and tangled together in her futon. I remember waking up several hours earlier than usual, and just lying there kissing and talking. I gave her daisies and it all started with a “Do you like me? Check one…” note. I made her bracelets and keychains. We wrote eachother letters instead of talking on the phone. When she cut her hair short all I could think about was kissing the back of her neck and wrapping my arms around her waist. The romance ended quickly, tearlessly, she started seeing a guy she had been infatuated with for years. I understood, and went off with a guy as well. I thought “that will show her”. She got the place of co-president of the GLBT Group at our school. She went to conferences. She rallied for gay rights, marriage rights, everything.

Another younger girl, less shy, following me around all the time. We never had anything together, except when she was feeling frisky and maybe drunk she would crawl into my lap, place my hands over her breasts and make out with me. It only happened when other people (boys) were around. She was curious for the sake of attracting attention from guys. She figured “well, I don’t mind kissing girls, and boys like it when I kiss girls, so I must be bi!” I was the “lesbian friend” she could make out with. In private when I hassled her she said “Oh, I’m just not comfortable with my body. When I get a little more self esteem you’re the first on my list for sex” And every weekend she went over to an ex boyfriends house. He always made her leave right after sucking his cock. I finally stopped letting her crawl all over me in public, as it helped her attract the creeps that always made her miserable in the end.

Last night T called me. We talked and talked, she sounded out of sorts. Said she hadn’t been sleeping much. I told her how I was in the closet at my school, how it scared me to say anything about girls being attractive. I was afraid to put up liberal posters. Afraid to tell a good friend of mine, an old roommate, about my particular identity. She sighed and told me “Well, that makes me feel better. That you have that inner-gayness still”. She said “I think of you as so hetero most of the time, its good to know that even with your boyfriend and the jokes about marriage and two-point-five kids you still have that.. inside of you. I admire that” And then she told me “as fun as making out with girls is… I don’t think that I could ever fall in love with one. Its all just a phase, and I feel like such a phony for saying I’m bi for all of these years. I really just want a big strong man to make me feel small and protected. ”

I think the part about not being able to fall in love with a girl hurt me the most. Out of all the boy-crazy girls I had hooked up with, I had assumed there was at least a touch of the fag in her. But no, she just enjoys making out with girls sometimes. When we hung up, I called A and asked “I know this is a weird question, and I know you don’t like talking about it, but do you consider yourself bisexual anymore?” she paused and said slowly “Katrina, this isn’t really something I can talk about right now” “Just tell me yes or no” “Well, i consider myself undecided”. I chewed on it for a while “Do you think you could fall in love with a girl? ” In the silence that followed I kept thinking “Not me, I didn’t mean me, I just meant any girl.. I’m not hitting on you, don’t get scared away” and she answered in her slow, thoughtful way “Yes, I think I could. I’m pretty sure” Good enough for me.

“Thanks” I sighed, relieved but not excited (I would have much prefered she had come out and declared her undying passion for me, but a “pretty sure” was good enough).After explaining, before hanging up, she said something I had been wanting to hear since I started school at this conservative homophobic university.

“Don’t worry dear, you’re not alone.”

by katrina