thelesbianlifestyle.com

most people have a hard time believing you can actually go through your entire childhood and teen years without drama… but not her… she’s always been too focused on everything else to actually notice either guys or girls she could potentially date…

now looking back, she doesn’t feel like it was intentional or anything… it just wasn’t there… she’s never been one to do something just to feel part of the crowd and wasn’t about to start dating some dumb highschool dude looking for a f***… how was that supposed to make her feel better about herself anyway?

she used to have this bestfriend… no matter how sporadically they’d see each other, it always felt like they had talk the previous day… nothing sexual there either, they just seemed like they were twins… only being not quite 2 years appart… they always looked for each other at every gatherings, cause once they’d know the other was to attend as well they knew they wouldn’t be alone…

nobody knew what they shared, other than a striking ressemblance and a lot of similar interests…

’til that day… ’til that phone call, to let her know her most trusted friend was dead

that call sent her life into such a fast tailspin that would send anyone throwing up in a heartbeat

she got to learn why her friend committed suicide, she found out she was gay

she started alternating between sadness and frustration, trying to grieve as best she could, cursing her friend for putting actions to her words before she could muster up the courage to do it herself… she felt like she was in pain for most of her life… couldn’t put her finger on what could possibly trigger such pain, but it was driving her insane…

attending the funeral was pure torture, having the friends of the victim staring at her, whispering among themselves cause they haven’t seen that stranger before, a stranger who looked too dam much like their beloved friend

the usual gatherings turned into hell, everybody always coming up to her to see how she was doing, to the point that she just stopped showing up… couldn’t care less about all these people’s concerns, she just wanted the whole world to stop spinning and some peace… then maybe she could get rid of that undying headache and finally catch some quality sleep…

she lived the next couple of years like a zombie… walking cause she had to, going to work cause she had to, eating cause she had to…

felt like she had become a robot… just doing what she had to do without really knowing why she had to do all these things…

she questionned her sexuality for a while, like anyone losing such a close friend would have… but that kept making the headaches worse, so she settled with “I’m not until otherwise proven”

she kept going on in such a numb state for years getting used to the dreamless nights cause at least she was getting a couple of hours of sleep

’til that day… she saw a cute lesbian couple together for several years… she kept observing them interact together and kept wanting to know more and more about them and their wonderful relationship… and the old question came back to hunt her… although it came on a slightly different form this time… instead of asking herself if she was a lesbian, a big “what if” came to puzzle her… “what if I could only be truly happy with a woman?”

she pondered for a while, almost relieved her interrogations were coming back under a new form… a refreshing new look to an otherwise eternally boring dilemma…

and one day she dared to try an answer to the biggest “what if” she ever had encountered “so what? if that’s the only way I can truly be happy, then be it”

that’s when her spinning world came to a complete stop for several minutes, right before being blasted with spinning images of all the hints she had been given in the past in order to finally come to that conclusion about herself…

she got taken back to her childhood friends and the girls she always wanted to become bestfriend with, back to her classes and those female teachers she always had special care for, her favorite topics, sports, clothes, hobby… then it all made sense…

that was the day it all added up… instead of being thrown in so many different directions trying to figure out herself, she found the single thread linking all of the pieces of her true self together…

it was only after that that she started wondering if everyone who makes the same realization as she did all live some kind of “the sixth sense / unbreakable” moment where they get to see all the clues that were given to them all their life in just about a minute…