2004
One happy memory
I do recall being happy as a lesbian once. It didn’t last very long, but the joy I felt at that moment was so strong that I will never forget it.
It was summer time and with very little to do, I often spent every waking moment with her. This lead to many fights between us of course because she would get sick of me and want me to leave. I was fine with that I suppose, I knew I was too clingy. I was just confused that summer is all. I had just realized I was a lesbian, and I was in the transition from high school to college: two very scary scenarios. To sum it up in a few words, I was somewhere between terrified and severely depressed. It was too much change at once for me.
One night, well the wee hours of morning more like, I was laying on her bed drifiting in and out of sleep, and she came into her room and jumped on the bed. I was sleepy, and I was just thinking “not right now, I’m so tired.” But she was happy and chipper, something very uncommon for her it seemed when I was around, and so I didn’t get too upset. She cuddled up against me and cooed in my ear and asked what it would take to keep me awake. She said this as she ran her hands up under my PJ top and said “Hmm?” I turned around to face her. And she kissed me, oh how she kissed me. You don’t understand, she hardly ever kissed me, so when she did, I would get so excited. “She’s so beautiful,” I thought to myself. “Why does she bother hanging on me?” I wondered. I considered myself nobody special. She looked at me with her sparkly blue eyes with her slightly messed up blond hair and said: “Missy, I think you’re beautiful, really I do…” I could have cried right then and there. To hear somebody who you believe is one of the prettiest girls in the world say that to you is just…surreal. I held in my tears. She asked me about the e-mail I had written her a few days prior. “You said you were falling in love with me…why didn’t you completely…what stopped you?” I explained to her that I thought she was being petty and insanely irrational about a fight that we had. Well, they were never really fights. I thought fights consisted of at least two people. Our “fights” were usually her bitching at me while I sat in silence trying to figure out what to say that wouldn’t make her even more angry than she already was. *chuckling to myself* Ah the good ole’ days. She had also told me that she wasn’t into girls which made me hesitant to tell her just what I felt. What she didn’t realize was that I was already in love with her, it didn’t matter to me what she said or what her sexuality was. I was too far gone to mind those details.
She then proceeded to tell me “I’m not into girls really, just one girl in particular.” In retrospect, that is quite possibly the best “line” I’ve ever heard. The old me sure couldn’t see through it. She wanted to know how I felt. I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. I was, well I still am a person of few words, especially when it comes to describing my feelings to somebody face-to-face. And so she burrowed into me some more. “You are in love with me, aren’t you?” I managed to nod, and I noticed this huge smile emerge on her beautiful face as she said: “Well if you almost cried about what I just said, you will definitely cry when I tell you how I feel about you. How do you think I feel about you?” I hit a road block. She actually wanted me to figure out how she felt about me. Judging by the look on her face, and her comment, I thought maybe she felt the same way I did, so after much hesitant and a few long pauses, I managed to say: “Well maybe you love me too…” She looked at me with that coy smile of hers and said “Good guess” and she pulled me to her and kissed me like I’ve never been kissed before. I’m surprised I didn’t die from suffocation, hehe.
I’m assuming from that point on that we had passionate sex that ended with us in eachothers’ arms. I’m not quite sure though. The sex stuff never meant much to me; it was the kissing and cuddling that we only did once in awhile that I will always remember. It was the only thing that mattered…the only thing that made me truly happy.
-by Missy
