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I really can’t understand why my family wouldn’t want me happy. It’s started again, those looks from my mother that mean “you’ve gone without a girlfriend for over a year, maybe you’ll be straight now.”

I’ve met her, this wonderful person that is everything I want and some major points that I never want to have to deal with ever again. But she’s also all those things that I adore, all those things I crave, and all those lovely personality bites that make me beg for more. And yet, even as I fall in love with her, I don’t want her. It’s to complicated. There are to many obstacles. I don’t want to have to go there again. I don’t want to do this again. I can’t take the pain of having everything I want in one person snatched away ,like a baby from it’s crib on a dark night when the parents are out and the babysitter is necking on the couch with her boyfriend, again.

I moved back home less than a year and half but more than a year ago and the second I got here, raw and miserable form the worst broken heart in the herstory of broken hearts, I jumped into bed with a once ago friend. This girl that I had been madly attracted to in High School was available and she wanted me. She wasn’t just a girl, she was the girl, you know the type that grabs you from the inside out in ways you know are wrong? She was large and soft, and beautiful in that kind of way where it’s on the surface, yes, but there’s also 35% beauty on the inside too. She was my addiction for three solid months before her womanizing eyes strayed again. I believe in my heart that if it were not for my mother, I would have kept going back for more of her lips.

And then I was lost again, in the agony that is after a 2 1/2 year relationship breaks up, especially when you never saw it coming. Sure, the two of you had problems, but you always worked them out, why should this time be any different? You’re good together and you love each other more that air, or at least one of you had. That’s what I had. I had that kind of love that you built dreams for long future on, until I gave up all my dreams for her(the first). I digress, after my fling I was lost again, back in the drift between being here and being inside my head. I couldn’t sleep, the nightmares started, and I couldn’t shake them. Then I became a little ill, and I couldn’t stop getting sick. Then I started eating, way to much at first and then not anything at all. I went through phases of everything, and some still haunt, like shadows.

Two months ago (if not a bit more) I met her, beautiful is what we’ll call her as that is what I call her. She has complications like the first. She doesn’t know who she is and I can’t handle that sort of thing. She doesn’t know if she can/will/or does love me because she isn’t sure what love feels like. We talk online at night and each conversation light me up, I grin and laugh like a fool and through each conversation I feel alive again, I feel like I’m coming alive. Each time I get online I want to email her all about my day, I want to share each thing inside me that makes me breath easier, that makes me happy, and even those things that make me sad. Each time I find an email from her, I glow, and I know it. We’ve just started writing letters to each other and each piece of mail that I can touch that I get I want to just curl up in a little corner and keep her to myself. I dream about her. I’ve spent two hours on the phone with her and for the rest of the day the happiness I shared with her and the happiness I took away from her, stayed.

My mother has started to notice the change in my behaivor. My sister gives me the “I cannot believe you’re falling for another girl with problems” look, even though I haven’t told anyone I’m falling in love with her. My mother made the statement that she hopes i’m not “starting something that will only end up getting complicated and painful.” My mother gives me the “i don’t approve and I don’t understand” look everytime she sees me now. My older sister told me just today, “Mom thought since you were coming home after…the first incident… that you would come home and meet a nice boy.”

It’s like shadows, I guess, these feelings from my family, and their wishes that I could be the me they want me to be. I made a pact with myself to never again be what someone else wants me to be and I am sticking to it, no matter what the shadows say.