things left unsaid

Nov
2004

Hot:

Eyes Closed.

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

I silently stood there, lost in my head. . . knowing if I spoke, the words would all be wrong. But all the while, hearing a small voice inside my head that whispered. . . “If you only came to see me . . . just once.” Eyes still closed, I inhaled deeply. The warm scent of vanilla on her sunkissed skin which had made me feel so at home. . . left me feeling alone.

“It’s not like I can just take off whenever I want. I have responsibilities.” She paced in front of me.

Lids slowly opened. Nothing was clearer. The voice replied a little stronger. “Fuck responsibilities. We all have responsibilities.” I nodded silently. Memories flipped through my mind like a slide show on speed.

Click. Me, adjusting my schedule to make it to her ex-girlfriend’s, new girlfriend’s birthday party. Click. Me, working a double to have a day off to help move her mom to a home. Click. Me, taking a vacation day to help her get her house ready for a party for her out-of-town relative. Click. Me, driving four hours each week to be with her. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

A voice which sounded similar to mine, yet strangely detached, mumbled. “Forget it. I’m sorry I asked. I just. . .” I sighed. “I was just hoping you could come down this weekend. But. . . just forget it. Don’t worry.”

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “We go through this every couple months. You know I can’t.”

The once small voice raged inside. “You won’t!” I exhaled slowly and looked past her. My shoulders rolled forward as I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans.

“What do you want me to do?” She stopped pacing and waited.

Lids lowered, cooling the burning sensation and locking away the salty tears which never fell. Jaw clenched tight, my mind screamed, “I want you to fucking care!” But the words that tumbled out of my mouth were. . .”I don’t know. . . nothing. . . just. . . do. . . nothing.”

Eyes open.

by paid_voyeur