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I’m losing you. Or I lost you already. I’m not sure really which. Can you lose someone without ever really having them? With the loss of you I am losing control of me. Why your presence became such a telling factor regarding my happiness I may never know. Was it coincidence? That you were never there when I needed you most? Or was it some higher power attempting to convince me that whatever this is I am going through I need to go through alone?

Your unlove for me has touched a place inside of me that I have hidden from myself for so long. That place that whispers to me in my quite moments. “You’ll be alone forever, no one will ever love you, you are not the person that you set out to be.” Those whispers have now become violent screams. I have no choice but to hear them now. To face them and to deal with what they say about me.

If you loved me this chain of excuses I call my life would have remained in tact. I would still be able to blame someone else for my faults and inadequacies. Our love would have taken me through a few more years of blindness. Your lack of love has made me see. It has opened my eyes to so much of me that I have secretly loathed.

How do you thank someone for allowing you to see that you are weak, scared, and unwilling to live? How will I ever pay you back for showing me that I am not even close to loving myself. Can I do it without erasing you? Can I show you how much you mean to me by not removing you from my life. Holding on to our friendship and learning that that alone means so much.

I thought I had lost myself in you. The truth was that I just didn’t want to face what I had found.