2004
Searching For The Middle
I’m not getting any younger. I have loved recklessly and I have loved passionately. I’m still not sure which is worse. One would promise me forever and then desert me for a lifetime. The other would pledge to show me what love really was and end up teaching me about life. In between both of these women I have had my share of fantasies. The girl much older than her years in high school. The coworker whom I wanted to teach self-worth. The younger one whose innocence I wanted to feed off of, and the woman who would prove to be an odd mirror image of myself. For all of the fantasies there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do, and many times out of ignorance all they had to do was remain untouchable. Things are different now. My bed, although comfortable is yearning to become smaller due to another’s presence. My mind and it’s thoughts are tired of only speaking to me. I want to share my inner most secrets and cry upon the shoulder of the one who I know will not look down upon me for doing so. I have looked too hard and I haven’t looked at all. Neither brought me what I have been looking for. My woman in the middle.
While I read this, I thought of the one I found when I was not really looking or the one who found me, when she was not really looking. This entry reminded me of that time when we were both feeling amazed and awestruck and a tad disbelieving of finding each other…
We have both calmed down (somewhat) now and moved on to other things like moving in together (she moving to my country this coming month, yay!) but once in a while I would feel a sense of wonderment at the forces that somehow made it possible for me and her to meet and fall in love.
There are oases in deserts of loneliness, I found out.