thelesbianlifestyle.com

i don’t know when it started, why it started, who started it…but we often found ourselves “playing” lovers. she insulted me, downright made me look like a fool in front of others. it hurt. yet, she made up for it. in bed, we became partners. i hated how she humiliated me and played the “mature” to the world. how she could be such a bitch to me in broad daylight, but when it came time to get under the covers, the same word (BITCH) took on an entirely different meaning. i could call her that. even though i never brought myself to. still, she was mine that way many times. and she wanted to be mine. all that pretending, all the harsh words…they meant nothing…’cause when she came under my touch…she melted, her face brightened up, she moaned for my fingers to pierce her skin, she showed me the way to her sublime, what pleased her, she wanted me to hold her tight against the bed, to make her a prisoner, not let go…she wanted to be controlled, i read it in her eyes…she liked the puppy going wild and punishing her. even if the punishment itself was nothing more than what my 10 yr old mind thought of as torture, conjunctured as agonizing…licking her breasts, sucking her nipples, rubbing her, fingering her…her visible hunger, to be sexually posessed, aroused me.it excited her as much as it made me feel alive, wanted and needed. her wetness, her trembling, her losing it time and again, as i stood on top of her, ASTOUNDED, MESMERIZED…her encouragement, her never stopping me, said it all…i learned it well. it was forbidden. we were family. two women. she was only two years older. how could she have known that all these years would pass, and that i’d still be missing the power she let me have over her? how can i bring myself to tell her i’ve never been able to share that with anybody else? what am i to say when she begs “MI, please come visit?” should i tell her i am afraid to feel anything around her? how come a marriage and two children later, she tells me “i am a lesbian?” does she want it again? did i have anything to do with it? or did she just not like dick? she is an adult today. 30 yrs old. she can tell me. but she won’t. there’s no need for explanations in anybody’s eyes, BUT MINE. I am the one still trapped. I am the one who lost her. I am the one who still yearns for some kind of “normal” intimacy, only without the dirt or the feelings of guilt. I was a real powerful puppy at 9 yrs old. Today, there’s just the animal left. I dread power.