2005
All Or Nothing
I sometimes really hate the way it’s always all or nothing. I can be so black & white, although that is more a necessity than a characteristic. Here’s the deal: I’m a dyke, fact. I’m a dyke who has no dyke friends, fact. It’s like when I meet other dykes I instantly tax them. I leave them no time to make more than that first impression that categorizes them immediately: Yes or No.
If it’s a No, they can (almost literally) go. Then I’m like: yeah, sure, I could like you, as a friend, but, what’s the point, because I don’t really seem to find you interesting so I don’t really know if I want to spend time with you, there is something missing right, even though it’s only Friendship, I don’t do that Friendship thing very well so, yeah, we’ll be in touch… But it actually instantly fades. Some sort of connection is missing, the click that would have made her a Yes.
But if it’s a Yes, I run. Not because I want to but because I have to. Because Yes means potential Crush and Friendship and Crush just aren’t a match. It’s impossible because you always end up wanting way more then you can get and agreed on and that just leaves you frustrated and spiteful. What kind of early friendship can survive that?
I do have a Maybe-zone, and I really feel the need to expand it. But the Maybe-zone is very dangerous because first impressions have fooled me before. And before you know it you really start liking someone, not based on first impressions anymore but something more, like quality time and then it’s so much harder to face that she really was a Yes and you’re too late to take the necessary precautions.
