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When I saw the next topic for this month I was at once thrown back in time to my past two relationships and comparing them with the relationship I am in now. It seems that every time I get involved with someone it becomes that age-old battle of a “love/hate relationship.” I have tried and tried to find someone to share the moments with, my life with, her life with, that I would not end up hating and still, it just hasn’t happened.

The very first encounter with love/hate was with my first girlfriend. Oh the memories I could tell you about her. we started out simple, in love, care free, me a bit naive, her having had a prior fling with some” vietnamese weirdo” (her exact words). I was in love with her two days after I met her. I might have been in love with her sooner than that as I can’t really recall the exact moment it happened.

She took me out, she pampered me, she took care of me, she wanted me, she didn’t mind me rambling on and on about whatever was in my head, we had things in common, she was everything to me. She loved me. We spent 2 years together before the hate started. Two years of lovely memories, two years of love, two years of friendship…and then I moved in with her.

At first it was just her overly enthusiastic obsession with Xena that made me uncomfortable, and a bit freaked out, but then it gradually started making me angry.
Then she started this incredibly hurtful thing where friends of hers would come up to her at our college and she wouldn’t introduce me, so I would, politely, introduce myself. Then, when we got home, she would ream me out about how I enbarrassed her.
Then she started telling me that she had developed a crush on some straight girl in her theater class.

Then it was our classes together, she didn’t wish to sit next to me, she wanted to pretend we didn’t know each other.

That broke my heart. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to be best friends, or even girlfriends, on campus. I couldn’t understand why she was purposely leaving me out of her life even though we lived together.

The last straw was when I found out that everyone at work thought she lived alone.
Here I was paying a little more than half of the bills (I made more money than her), cooking for her every night, and cleaning and doing the laundry, and she was pretending I didn’t exsist.

I can’t remember when I started to hate her, but I do remember that even as the hatred for who she had become started to well up in me, I still loved her. I believed we would work things out and stay together. She had different ideas. She broke up with me, causing so much damage to my heart, self-esteem, personality, soul, will, body, and life that it took me over a year to let go and get over her.

I hope she’s happy now, I wonder about her from time to time, but I’m glad I’m no longer traped inside the walls of who she wanted me to be.

The next love/hate I would get into was with my second gf.  She was so hot and cold all the time that I never knew how she felt or if her feelings were only going to last a day. She was possibly the best chemistry I’ve ever felt with another person, but I wouldn’t really rate the sex that high. Those kisses though were magical and hot.
I wasn’t really in love with her, but she was a player and I hated that about her. In the end of that she semi-hated me because I wanted some sort of commitment from her.
But gods, that girl could kiss.

Now, my relationship is full of love, but I find one thing that I could turn into hate. I could honestly hate the fact that she gets along with not only my really good friend but with my sister. I love my gf, I love everything about her. There’s not one personality flaw that I don’t love, there’s not one thing that bugs me about her, directly about her. But, I could honestly start hating how well she gets along with my sister, and how much I feel like my friend is being taken away from me because the two of them get along so well. And to make matters worse it’s my gf who started up the friendship with my friend. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a problem. I love my gf, but I wish I could just keep something in my life mine. Does everything in my life have to touch or be touched by her just because she’s my gf?

Without this little glitch, there’d be nothing to almost hate. Isn’t that sad? And am I making toom uch of this? Maybe. But I’d just like something in my life to be exclusively mine. I need it, without that I won’t have the strength to re-build my life and my heart once it’s over.
Does that make sense?

Thanx. I needed to say all of that.
-LG