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The fine line between love and hate…

When my ex first jumped out of the closet, she was on a mission. I didn’t have much of a choice, she was like a bull running for her target. In many ways I’m glad it happened, but it was quite a roller coaster ride. Our world was changing, we had sheltered ourselves so well, insulated our lie so that in the end the only people we were fooling was ourselves. Life is perfect when you limit the outside world, when you don’t expose yourself to the “lifestyle” and people in it. Ignorance can be bliss.

When we started going out and meeting other lesbians, it was like learning a whole different language. The rules were fucked. There seemed to be so many double standards and excuses for the bullshit drama that exists in the lesbian world. We would come home and have these long conversations about how lucky we were… we promised each other not to get caught up in their world… that we would respect our relationship like we had for so long… But we continued to immerse ourselves into their world.

Then something happened to me. I changed, my whole world view changed… I changed. I was no longer satisfied with my partner. I started to respect myself, my thoughts, my dreams started waking up. Slowly I started to wake up, the inner me was restless, my relationship was stale and boring and it hurt… I kept trying to go into denial, but more and more women interested me, I could talk to this new breed of women… and it wasn’t that I wanted to bed them, it’s that they sparked a life in me, they mirrored a part of me that wanted to exist as I was meant to be. Open and honest and accepting of myself for loving another woman. This was something that I was robbed of while living in the closet. Nobody ever acknowledged my relationship, I didn’t even acknowledge it to anyone outside of the 4 walls, and we did a good job of justifying it. Many a time we argued back and forth that it was nobody’s business, blah, blah, blah… bullshit I say now. It has nothing to do with it being anyone’s business, it has everything to do with being proud of what we had, a woman to woman relationship… a commitment between us, and all that other crap that goes with being in a relationship with someone.

So, our relationship began to change, in some ways it got better, in the important ways I was already leaving. We had a hard breakup. Part of staying in the closet was to “protect” our relationship, truth is, it was out of fear…

Today, I’m in a healthier relationship, it’s not perfect; but perfect for me. My ex is still in my life, we’ve managed to bury the hatchet, more on my insistence, but that is just the kind of person I am. I didn’t spend so many years of my life with her, if I really believed she was such a bad person. Many people in my life don’t understand my need to keep her in my life… but my ex exists on that line between love and hate for me. I still love her, not in the romantic sense, more like a sister or a close relative. I love her for forcing me out of the closet. As painful as that process was, it has given me the freedom to be myself. She has given me the opportunity to truly love another woman, honestly and openly, but more importantly COMPLETELY!!! I hate her, because she will always represent my weaknesses and fears. I hate her, because it’s easier than to take responsibility for my bad choices!!!

by dark angel