thelesbianlifestyle.com

So call me geeky. Call me gay. Call me one big ole, extra crispy, ultra cheesy (mmm, hungry anyone?) dyke but the L Word has rearrived and I am packing the vibrators back up because frankly, while it’s on the air, ain’t nobody gonna need them. Whew. I’m not a Showtimer, mostly because I still live on the good graces of others, but I am a Bittorrent queen, and having just consumed the premiere episode in the place of my lunch, I am giddy with excitement at this month’s last topic.
So.
Hmm.
Now what?
I don’t have the slightest desire to vamp out spoilers, so I’m going to pull the camera way back for a vague shot and say….
When did everyone get a lobotomy? Yes, the superbly hot and superbly not-so-true-to-anyone’s-life-unless-you-are-sleeping-with-Jennifer-Beals show is back and slick and gorgeous. The campy new opening has some alignment issues and someone shot Alice’s costume designer over the break….but everyone appears to be themselves and the only person gone is Marina, but you knew that, and thanked your lucky stars we didn’t have to watch Jenny weep at her some more.
Except they’re all moving in slow-mo. This show has remained defiant in it’s slickness and desperation to portray hot girl-on-girl action without making any apologies to either the gay or straight community for its shameless hetero-appeal. We all recovered (slowly…I needed stitches) from Rose Troche’s earlier written debacle and learned to love her quick witticisms again when put in the mouths of characters more likely to say them. BUT WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO THE INTELLIGENCE AND VERVE? I swear to god, if Shane’s mouth went any more slack she might have drooled, albeit sexily. And Bette? You run a museum and you thought that anything you said was a good idea? And Tina? Honey, at 8 months, ain’t nobody need to be told you’re preggers. And Ivan? You lost your cool?
When did the L Word decided it needed to become facile and cowardly? Did someone say, “Look, nobody believes that lesbians are really this hot and hip, could you make them stupid and then we might like it more?” The last season ended on an emotional hair-trigger–we were amped for a fluid, gorgeous, resolution-with-promises season opener and instead, well, Dana and Alice go for a run. La de da. After she tells you not to marry, you take her for a jog? After you press your suit in desperation at 2am you go flaccid for three, four (eight, fifteen….Tina may have forgotten how to gestate) months and accept bathroom smoochies?
I am not amused. I was willing to go for the L Word all this time because, frankly, it turned me and my girlfriend, and everyone we knew, on and it was an awesome excuse for get-togethers. We were delighted and titillated by our beautiful television representatives. We wanted you and we loved the attention. But if you’re going to make us look dumb….I’ll just go buy some batteries.

by Kate