2005
To the boy who’ll never grow up…
This isn’t topic related, it’s not even lesbian related, so if it’s not allowed just let me know. I am a lesbian, and I wanted to share a defining moment in my life, a painful and bittersweet memory in my life. It has nothing to do with being gay, but everything to do with who I am.
To my boy wonder, my best friend, who will never grow up…
During the beginning months of 3rd grade (August through January) Brian, Ryan, and I caught frogs near the school sprinkler system. Brian and I had only a few things in common, but they were important things. His friend Ryan couldn’t understand why he liked a girl so much. I couldn’t understand why Ryan didn’t like me.
Brian was a Fraternal twin to his sister Lauren. I don’t really remember Lauren. My sister and her were kind of friends I think. Brian and I liked frogs, and running around, and swinging. We swung a lot. Swinging to us was like flying. We needed to fly. We needed to catch frogs. He needed help in D.O.L. (daily oral language). He sucked at english. He was good at math, I required help in math. He liked comic books and the color red. I didn’t understand comic books, I liked Babysitters Club and purple. Brian liked to tell little jokes that he made up about incredibly dumb things but at the time I thought he was brilliant.
We were 2 peas in a pod and I was happy. I finally had a good friend who got me. Who understood me even at a 3rd grade level. He planned out our future, said we’d get the same teachers for the rest of our lives and that we’d always be friends. Brian had fears, so did I but I was reluctant to share mine. He told me he feared his family didn’t love him. He said he feared his step dad hated him and that his mother didn’t love him enough. I feared his step dad was abusing him but at almost 9 I didn’t the words. I told him it didn’t matter about them he had two sisters who loved him and I loved him. He said it wasn’t the same and I recall saying, “I love you Brian. Thats enough.” He was a shining star in my world, a light in my heart, a song in my head, and now a memory that will never die.
He committed suicide, though people believe that someone else forced him to jump, or that some pushed him, or that it was an accident. I know it wasn’t. At first I wanted to believe it was, but it wasn’t.One day after school he told me he seriously thought that life for his family wouldn’t be any different if he wasn’t around. I told him he was being silly and grabbed his hand to go swing.The next day I went to school and Brian wasn’t there. He’d stayed home sick was what I thought. About 1/4 of the way through the morning, I got a call into the office. I walked across the playground, the sun shining on my back, and arrived, smiling, to the office. They told me he was dead. The prinicipal told me Brian wasn’t coming back. I didn’t understand. They got my mom. She took my twin and I home.My mom tried to explain it. I asked how. she said he’s hung himself. He’d left a note. She only knew because she worked for the newspaper, and the school had called her. I still didn’t quite understand.
The next day my mom asked if I wanted to go to the funeral, I’d have to miss school. I said yes, she said, “Why?” All night my twin and I tried to come up with reasons why.On the day of the funeral, I simply said, “He was my friend.” She walked me down there, it was near our house. My twin came along. I’ll never forget that funeral. Or how warm it was outside.We sat near the back, but not in the back, and yet not quite in the middle. My mom paid respect to the family. I couldn’t look Lauren in the eye.
I still hadn’t cried. There was music playing. His favorite songs. As I walked up Achy Breaky Heart started to play. He had loved Billy Ray Cyrus. I walked up to him, his body really, he had already left it. He was wearing red, patterened pants and a red top and red sneakers. I remember so clearly that his head was unnaturally bent down. You could just barely see the ring of pink the rope had left.He already had yellow roses all around his body from where people had put them.I had a rose in my hand, but I held back. I watched as people went up and paid their respects and said goodbye and then walked out into the courtyard. I stood there and watched that ritual and just wished to be gone, to disappear. Finally I went back, and put my hand on his carefully folded hands. I placed my rose, and I said goodbye.I wanted to kiss his cheek, but couldn’t, not infront of his family. I looked down at him and wished that he was beside me and that this wasnt a funeral. I thought, he would have liked a party. I looked back as I walked away and wondered if he’d be burried.My mom didn’t know.Later I found out they cremated him. His family still has his urn. I think it’s selfish not to have burried or spread his ashes, there’s no place for me to go to sit and mourn, bring flowers, talk to a grave stone, no place for me to go when the day arrives. February 22nd. There’s no place for me to visit.
The rest of that year is a blur. I know we went DisneyLand in March, maybe April, Spring Break. I remember Disneyland..but nothing else. I remember aching for a friend. For him. I remember understanding about souls and love, just because he graced my life for less than a year. People say if he’d stayed alive I wouldn’t be who I am, that we would have been high school sweethearts and probably been the happiest two people onm earth. I wonder if that’s true. If in some parallel universe we’re together.
I still miss him. He was innocent, and yet had fears no 9 year old deserves to have. He was bright and funny, and cute, my blonde haired blue eyed boy, who will never grow up.Brian, I take you with me wherever I go. Wherever I am. so are you. Through me, you live on and get to see and do things you never go the chance for. Through me you live. I love you, my very own peter pan. I’ll never forget. My boy wonder.You were my first best friend. You deserved a full life, one with both the happy and the sad. Spectacular things should have been in store for you. I carry you with me, in my soul. I won’t give up and I will wait for you in our next life.
