2005
Bisexuality
In my world, Sexuality exists on a spectrum, I tend to believe most people fall into the Bisexual part of that spectrum. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, or maybe because I’ve lived it, do I understand it. I can remember having crushes on my tomboy friends since Junior High School. I can clearly and vividly remember the first time I drooled over a girl. It was 7th grade, gym class, she was English and had the cutest accent. I’m Latina, so I was automatically drawn to her pearl white skin and amazing blue eyes… she was so cute and open and braless… yeah… I can still remember that place in my past.
I also remember my first kiss, it was with a guy. I didn’t really enjoy it, in fact, I was quite annoyed at being followed around, he liked me and was persistent in chasing me. I had absolutely no interest, but because my friends thought he was cute I should give it a shot. That was the longest date of my life. I felt nothing. This left me confused for a while, since most of my friends were raving about boys (I was around 15). Something happened to me that summer, I went away to a sorta camp and I met this guy, he totally captured my heart, I swore I was in love. He didn’t return the same feelings, but I was his puppy dog. My stomach sank every time I saw him, He hugged me hello and the butterflies in my stomach would flip. We were good friends for about 2 years, he knew I had a crush on him, but he never crossed the line with me. Fast forward to the end of our friendship, there was a party, there was alcohol, we kissed, he fondled me, and I was in heaven. Of course, when he sobered up in the morning and saw the hickie I left… well. it was pretty much over. Heartbreak #1 for me.
That wasn’t the end of it for me though. I met another boy soon after, and he was just what I needed. He taught me the art of kissing well. We would spend hours just kissing, and it was beautiful. Sex wasn’t even a part of my reality (I was a late bloomer). He taught me the sensations of ecstasy by simply kissing… with him I only got to second base… but that was all I needed. I was sure I wasn’t broken anymore.
You see, I was confused by my crushes on girls as well as boys. I had no one to talk to about these things, so I just went with the flow. It was a confusing time. I never dated anyone exclusively in high school. Well, at least not publicly. In secret, at 17 I began an affair with my best friend. She was 2 years younger than me, and it just happened. One night like many others, we were watching TV at her parents house, out of the blue she kissed me, and that began a whole decade of questioning everything I ever knew and understood.
We maintained that affair in the closet. I can’t call it a relationship because there was so much confusion from it. I went to college, fell in love with a man who later broke my heart, she was always there, always in the background, always claiming to love me. She did. Now that I look back, now that I’ve been outside of that relationship for a while. I’m not so sure I was ever IN love with her. I thought I was while I was there. But I’m a firm believer that as you experience love, it’s definition changes… each time you move forward, you learn to express it more deeply. At least for me, that has been my experience.
I have been bisexual, still am I guess. I hate lables, but I know for a fact that I love women much more deeply than I can possibly with men. While single I experimented for a bit with both men and women, there was no question that I was attracted to the female gender the most. If asked I say I’m a lesbian… but I don’t close the door of possiblity that a male can be my soulmate.
I have never existed on any extreme of a spectrum, I’ve always found myself right smack dab in the middle… that’s true for mental health as well.
Just be yourselves, it makes life so much easier.
