2005
Wanting
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I want it to be perfect ya know. I want to ache for her and want to spend every single day of the rest of my life with her. Fighting, making love, traveling, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s with her. I want someone that can understand me. I fear I have only met one person in my life who could do that and it scared me so much that I ran. So she will need to understand that I am one of those irrational types. The recluse writer who’s mind is always somewhere it shouldn’t be. But she will love me for it. She will know that I will come back when I am ready or when she needs me.
With each year that passes I wonder if I will ever find the dream. The woman who has the other piece of my heart. Being alone is sometimes a punishment I feel like I deserve. My version of love is tainted and may be unrealistic. Can anything be that perfect? Can any one person own all the qualities I’m looking for in a lover? Before you tell me yes, before you tell me you’ve found yours, remember that I am fragile at the moment. Let me tell you that I have gone back to the ways of telling the woman I love how to fall in love with someone whom is not me. So be kind and simply let me have this moment.
I don’t want anything but I want everything. I want to be swept off my feet. I really can’t believe I just typed that, but I’m glad I found the courage to. I want someone to look at me and whisper all the things I write about. But wanting that makes me feel so selfish. Really I just want to love her. Each day that goes by feels like a day that I’ve lost without her. I want to buy her flowers and read her books in bed. I want to see the world with her and all the places by the oceans first. I want her to look at me and know that I am hers forever. I know she’s out there and I need all of you to make sure she knows how to find me.
