thelesbianlifestyle.com

Lesbian sex. Two words that are guaranteed to strike…well, something, into the hearts of straight men everywhere. Mention those two words and images of lushious lovlies with long blonde hair, not a scrap of body fat (or body hair, for that matter) make up slapped on like it’s going out of fashion and nails that would make any self-respecting lesbian’s eyes water. And, of course, if you live in this make-believe word of what lesbian sex is, then the act isn’t complete until a man with a big shlong has come along and finished the job off for the girls who, of course, are completly unable to have a fulfilling sexual experience without his aid.

What a load of tripe and bunkum.

I’m currently doing an MA in Sexual Dissidence and Cultural Change, and I am seriously considering choosing the subject ‘The Straight Man’s Reaction To The Lesbain’ as my thesis title. Apart from the view held by straight men (not all, but I know there’s at least one out there who subscribes to this opinion) that lesbians are merely women who haven’t met the right man yet, there seems to be a large gap between the straight man’s version of lesbian sex, and what it actually consists of. So, I will try and pinpoint the differences.

The first thing we must deal with are those nails. I wouldn’t let a lady with nails such as those anywhere near any sensitive area of my person. Were I to partake of sexual activity with a lady sporting such beauties, I would be in my local hospital before you can say ‘up a bit, love’.

Secondly, the moaning and groaning and general choreography. Now, I’m sure this is the same for straight couples – the actual act is nothing like either the version in your mind, or the porn version. But were someone to come and film any sort of realistic sexual activity I’ve ever been involved in, they’d get bored. It’s great fun for me and the person I’m undertaking the activity with, don’t get me wrong. But the only noise they’d hear would be the occasional ‘ow, you’re leaning on my foot/hand/breast’, the odd ‘well the lube was in the drawer last time, I don’t know where you’ve moved it to!’ and lastly ‘hang on, I’m just going to pee first.’ Not so hot for the onlooker, I’m thinking.

Thirdly, the man coming in to ‘finish off the job.’ I don’t think I need to say anything on this point, really.

So, it seems that the version of lesbian activity provided for the straight man is not exactly anything like real life. Lesbian sex is great. But it just ain’t Hollywood.