thelesbianlifestyle.com

Hello everyone, I’m new to TLL as a writer (though I’ve been reading for a while now) and this is my first post which will fit quite well into this month’s topic!

I’m a 19-year-old (soon to be 20) from Vancouver, BC. My “out-age”, however, is only 8 months. On top of that, I’m not even out in cyberspace. By that I mean I have my own blog, but I never put anything that would give hint to my sexuality. Occasionally I play the pronoun game. Sometimes I use the vague “you”.

For me, a lot of things happened backwards (compared to what I think the “normal” timeline is for most of us anyway.) I had my first relationship with a girl when I was 13. It was my first relationship, and it sort of just happened. Never had a crush on any guy before that, and never went out with one. At that time, the relationship was somewhat exciting, but it wasn’t my priority. It ended a bit over a year later, when my family moved to Vancouver, but that was only half the reason.

Confession: I freaked out. I don’t remember how or when it happened, but one day, as if I suddenly woke up, I became aware of what was going on, and I became conscious of how others were looking at us. It occurred to me that my parents would not approve, and I felt horrible for sneaking around behind their backs. I felt guilty, dirty, and everything was just all wrong. I broke up with my girlfriend by telling her that I had my eyes on some other guy. I went through the self-denial stage at the end of my first lesbian relationship.

From that point on, I made up my mind. No girls, just be normal now. Don’t be stupid. I tried to pick out guys on the swim team, and I made up reasons to be obsessed over some actor. I denied that I ever loved my first girlfriend, and I got rid of everything that could remind me of that relationship. Then she came along.

A classmate of mine (all girls’ school - not as great as you think it would be, but anyway), in Grade 12. Since I knew her in Grade 10, she had gone through 2 boyfriends. After she broke up with her last, we got closer, first as friends, then something more. We realized what was happening, and had to make the decision: to forget it, or to go along with it. We knew the risk, but we went ahead anyway. That was the beginning of my second relationship. So much for giving up on girls.

The relationship was tightly closeted. I was still caught in my own internal conflict, and she knew her parents would disown her if they knew. What happened in that relationship is another story on its own. But the end of it was: she freaked out, I was devastated and had no one to turn as a result of being closeted. That summer, after many sleepless nights, I picked up the phone and called my parents, who by then had moved back to Hong Kong, and came out to them. After that it took me another half a year to come out to my sister, and only then did I take the step to come out publicly.

Now I’m gathering the guts to come out in cyberspace. I always had to censor my own writing in my own blog because I was afraid that so-and-so would read it. I don’t care much for most who fall into that category, because if I did I would have come out to them already, but I don’t want to make things weird either. So my baby step in this? I’m going to put a “TLL Author” button on my blog.