2005
This Christmas
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Tis the season again for love
Surrounded by so much there are times that I forget all that I have
Family, friends, a smile from a stranger on the street
And yet all I can focus on is the have nots
Alone again at Christmas
It’s in my cards I suppose. Christmas, the New Year, and my birthday are days from one another. All this at once can lead to a sort of sensory overload. It goes something like…buy gifts, promise to go on a diet, promise to pay off credit cards, fear getting older, promise to go on a diet, then hide from the world. There are those who love the holidays and those that dread them. I fall into the loath them category. Too many thoughts, too much to do, time seems to never be on my side. Once my birthday hits that becomes valid proof.
This year will mark almost 4 years that I have been alone and without love. (Pausing for a moment to feel helplessly sorry for myself) What tends to hurt most is that those four years could have been time spent with her. Whomever “she” may be. I feel like I am losing time, losing memories, and losing a chance at love. One can only hear, “You will meet her,” and “It takes time,” so much until one begins to believe that one must become used to being alone.
This year is far different than holidays past. I have been questioning myself daily and confronting issues within my life that I normally allow to fall to the wayside. I continue to tell myself that I am okay alone. I continue to remind myself that all this time spent alone has been used to make myself a better person. The truth behind all of that bullshit is that I know that when I am in love I am the best and strongest version of myself.
I will spend this Christmas with family and friends. I will spend it with a smile on my face and love in my heart. While all of it’s going on I will secretly be wishing to fall. To fall in love like I never dreamed possible. It is the greatest gift that this hopeless romantic could ever wish to receive. I haven’t given up, it’s just that I’m tired. The struggle for love is universal. This is my story. Someday I hope to write the happy ending. Until then hold and love who you are with a bit longer and harder for me today. Love them better for me and for those of us who hope every single day for just one chance.
Merry Christmas to every single one of you!
