thelesbianlifestyle.com

When living in Italy I loved Christmas. It was the time of the year when the whole family got together, the three and fireplace was decorated, the school play took place, the magic of snow covered our house and driveway, and Santa Claus filled my empty pillow case. I lived with my grandparents since I was 6-weeks-old, and they never stopped giving me the best Christmas a child could wish for. My grandfather would help me build snowmen in the back garden and my grandmother would warm my cold feet and hands when I came in shiverring from the cold. Alas one year the car got stuck on our way home and we had to make our way back by foot, me being only 5yrs and the snow reaching my knees.

We moved to England and Christmas wasn’t as magical, no more snow and no more family gatherings. But our new home town brough Christmas carols, roasted chestnuts and a different kind of magic which inspired my imagination. During our four years in England we visited Australia and had our first Christmas in the boiling sun. But soon we were back home and my grandfather grew very ill and passed away before we were to move to Oz for good.

Here in Australia everything was different, we were miles away from family, and my uncle’s family didn’t count. The first Christmas was celebrated with a big fuss as if to say nothing had changed, but by then I was almost 15 and nothing was ever going to be the same… I celebrated two Christmas’s overseas, but despite trying to rekindle the magic I felt flat and sad. From then on Christmas became about money and greed and my grandmother’s wish to not celebrate again. I wasn’t allowed to buy her gifts, even though she bought for me and my uncle’s family, and they continued the tradition to buy her something for the special time of year. Each year they stayed less and less, visiting to receive their gifts/money and leave, that’s when I began to feel angry at their greed and unapreciation. When I came out my various gf’s invited me into their family, but again the magic didn’t last long and all I wanted was to return home and see my gran. Each year her presents get smaller, as she upsets herself over me spending money on her, and eventually turn into arguments about why she can give but not receive.

Two year’s ago my uncle died a coupld of months before Christmas.

Christmas is wondeful when with family, but I’ve taken on my gran’s belief that I don’t want to celebrate either, despite loving gifts and still getting that secret twinge when Christmas day arrives. I am sad that I cannot show her how I feel and that all I want is to show that I care. The sadness then becomes anger at her attitude and how it’s affected me and how my cousin’s and aunt take advantage of her generousity. This time of year now brings sadness at all the loss and anger, and produces anxiety which leads me to want to hide, as well as the pressure of buying gifts for those who continue to celebrate. Despite all of this I still buy my gf and her family gifts, and sneak a small package for my gran while pretending it’s not much - I just want her to accept it from me.