2006
The Wedding
No not mine. However, it could be as close as I may ever get. My brother is getting married this year. He and his fiancee’ are expecting a baby any day now. There’s a lot that comes with weddings and a new baby. For the most part I’ve been excited. Then there are times like today when I think about my mom. My parents have accepted my being gay from the beginning. Never once have they questioned it or looked down upon me for it. The one thing I always knew I would never be able to give my mom was that big wedding and a grandchild. Before you freak out on me, I know that I could give her those things. Someday I may fall in love and have a wedding, a child, or even adopt. But that’s someday, not today.
It’s a bit odd really. How the wedding seems to belong to the bride’s parents. The new baby too in some cases. My mom will be there when she is born, but she will know that my brother’s fiancee’s mom will be the one to hold her first. My mom has a lot of ideas for the wedding, but she has to constantly take a step back and think about what the bride would want. All this while my brother has no clue. He’s going to be a new dad and new dads can’t see the little things that I pick up on. The bride’s mom is taking a week off work when the baby is born to be there for her daughter. I know my mom will want to see the baby that first week, but I also know that it may be a bit awkward.
My parents have never asked for anything from me. Were my mom to read these words she would disagree with there sentiments. Perhaps it’s just me making things about me again. I guess I just wish I could give her the unspoken right to plan a wedding while I sit back and contemplate what I’m going to wear. For the first time in my life I feel out of the loop because of my sexual preference. I have withdrawn from my safe “gay world” to join my family in a straight world that I have ignored or cared to know nothing about. My brother talks about how excited he is to be a dad and how much he is ready to settle down. Do I want that too? I’ve always told myself that I didn’t, but I can’t deny wanting to be as happy as he is now.
We all take our own paths. What is perfect for one of us is a version of Hell to another. I’m not really sure when I determined that this upset me, but I’m more than open to hear other versions of this story. The bottom line is that I just want everyone to be happy. On the end of that line is a hopeless feeling that I can’t do anything to make anyone feel that way. Maybe someday I’ll be able to give my mom that dream wedding, but today someday is farther away than it has ever felt in my life.
