2006
Lost and Found
There was a time when you intrigued me…
There was a time when you sparked my mind, my body, and my “soul”…
Despite my disbelief in such things.
There was a time when I couldn’t wait to see your face…
There was a time when I couldn’t wait to touch your skin…
The need, insatiable.
There was a time when I longed for forever…
There was a time when Mrs. You was all I wished to be…
The logical next step.
There was a time when I cried whilst you slept…
There was a time when I ached whilst you meandered…
Weakened with neglect.
There was a time when I questioned the weight intimacy should have in one’s life…
There was a time when I resolved to compromise my happiness to ensure yours…
Now obviously more than I could bear.
The time then came for the unspeakable to tumble from my lips…
For every solitary tear to be wrung from us both…
Release. Detach. Twist.
Since those times my wings have found their wind.
My heart released.
Weight lifted.
Myself found.
…yet…
My gaze traces back to the earth beneath me.
I see you.
Sinking.
In sorrow and pity.
In hurt and humiliation.
In loss and guilt.
In anger and blame.
…and I feel shame.
Shame for the happiness I feel.
Shame for the love I now receive.
Shame for the splendor of that love.
Shame for not continuing to compromise to save our family.
Shame for reneging on my promise.
Shame for yearning actual, unspoiled, beautiful, sweet love in all its forms.
I long to be content with the fact that I did it to be happy.
…and that I shouldn’t live my life for another.
I want to believe that.
So I will swallow this shame and pity and guilt and live this life for me.
For, you see, there can be no other way.
Myself? Found.
