2006
Bisexuality from KMae Today
I have a cyber friend who is bisexual. She gets frustrated because there is no respect from the gay community. I think it is because of all the hell we go thru to come out. So that once we seriously commit to Women, we don’t need to go thru the pain of loving one who wants a man. That would be irresponsible. I began to write of my own experience. Usually I send my epistles into “The Lesbian Lifestyle,” but I doubt they would be interested in this one.I remember when I was bisexual. Still living with Charlie… or maybe we were broken up then for a while. REALLY wanting women, but still addicted to his fucking dick. REAL women’s women wouldn’t have me because men were always around me. I had always wanted women since I was little… Remember a big crush I had on an older girl when I was 8. It was at the YMCA, she was always playing the guitar & singing like Elvis… Dug the butches even then.
But, I always wanted boys, too … I wanted love from everybody… And they were always there. And because of childhood incest/abuse I had turned into a sexual being for anyone… altho I never acted on it beyond flirting shamelessly… Until the end of my 21st yr… almost 22. And once I started I couldn’t stop. It was a way of self-medicating again and again, and yet again. Until I drew the smoke from a boyfriend’s joint… & found sex enhanced even more, oh my GOD, yet another addiction… It was all too good. It was all so bad, so sneaky, so ruininess. I was ruining my life. Though I didn’t know it then.
Nothing mattered other than getting my fixes, whether it was men or pot. I quit my wonderful dancing… (the reason I was born to breathe…) JazzBallet classes with Luigi on Broadway… the reason I became a Stewardess - to get to NYC to study with Luigi on Broadway - to dance in all the choruses on the Great White Way.. My dream up in smoke..
HAD to keep working, had to fly to pay the bills, had to support my habits, HAD to fuck and get high. My life, my youth divebombing down… down to Charlie, into his lair… into his world, the final 6 yrs of my 20’s thinking I was ecstatically happy, totally in love.. Lost in the bliss of sex, drugs & disco and well, domestic life- such as it was, better than anything else I had ever had…
But I still wanted women. And I knew I would have to have one. And when I finally did, I knew I was on the right path to becoming me. Of course these luscious beauties were all bisexual… couldn’t interest a lesbian with men all around me. And bi-women all needed men… they would eventually want to bring you home to their men. I was not interested, I had my own man. I sure didn’t want to share my women. I had never wanted to share my men. But you alway share your man, you just don’t know it. They lie about it. They don’t tell you about their other women. We all just live in denial that we’re their one & only.
So it took one last 1 1/2 year relationship with a wonderful, sweet, gorgeous & sexy man to finally admit… I am not straight. God knows I tried. Being Gay wasn’t a choice. My choice was to be heterosexual. You can fuck every man in sight, even marry them… but it won’t make you straight if you’re not. You just choose to live a lie. Maybe not so consciously, but that is how it is… if you buy society’s brainwashing… and live in fear.. of being the real you. At least that is how it was for me.
And so it goes… I am a Bonafide Dyke! Non of this wishy-washy bisexual bullshit for me. It is a relief not to “need” a man in order to make it thru life. My “Coming Out Chronicals, parts 1 thru 5 ” are in my 2005 July- August archives here as well as “The Lesbian lifestyle!” 2005 archives, So I won’t repeat myself again.
Suffice it to say, relationships are hard enough, often a true struggle. But they are next to impossible when you try to be someone you’re not. I wish everyone happiness on their path thru life. I am grateful I found my happiness with Doris. In a few short months we’ll have 25 yrs together, for better or worse! Thank you God, You have truly blessed me! It’s been a long, hard journey. I look forward to the rest of this adventure.
