thelesbianlifestyle.com

I feel as though I have become a professional single lesbian. I fear that I have a growing distaste for the lesbians in my community. I wonder if it has anything to do with not liking myself. Is it amazing to anyone else the amount of drama and jr. high type antics grown women can create? I remember when all I wanted was to know other lesbians. All I wanted was to find a group of women that I could relate to and exchange stories with. Now I find myself simply looking for people. Good people. Fuck the labels and who they sleep with. I got over that a long time ago.

And yet I judge and stereo type. Throwing out phrases like “I can’t stand lesbians.” The three degrees of separation within the gay community in my area is amazing to witness. Some women are in it for the long haul. Others find a partner and pull themselves as far away from it as they can. The cattiness, the backstabbing, the she said she said crap. I used to wonder why the women disappeared and now I have a better understanding. The problem is that if I leave now I do it alone.

Sometimes I feel like gays as a community are just like America. If we don’t get our shit straightened out first we have no business messing around in other venues. Then I blame it on human nature. We all are who we are. They would talk about other’s even if they slept with men. She would sleep with everyone no matter what was hidden between their legs. The big picture is almost too large to comprehend at times. But tonight, along with being alone, it’s on my mind. Maybe that’s why I am alone. My anger is too deep. Because my world sometimes feels like I’m 13 again. Looking back on 13 at the age of 28 there are so many things I would have changed. Yet here I am doing nothing but writing. I may not realizes the changes I should have made in this moment until I’m 38.

We are all who we are, and I like to think that it’s defined within our hearts. I am lucky to be surrounded by a close group of friends whom I would give the world to. As I write this I think I’ve discovered my problem. It’s not them I hate, it’s me. Until that changes everything will remain the same. I will remain alone because I can’t see past my anger. My mind won’t move forward because it refuses to see what’s beyond the surface of most. The worst of it is that my heart will remain frozen because I haven’t the courage to open it up to anyone right now. Amazing isn’t it, the things a keyboard and a monitor can teach you without ever saying a word.