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I said goodbye that day, not wanting her to leave missing her before she walked out that door, tears streaming down my face holding onto her smell I knew I would never smell again. How could I say goodbye to the woman of my dreams? How could I say good bye to the person that had loved me in a way that I had always dreamed of being loved?? I keep asking myself was that the right decision?

Where do we begin as lesbians. I was always this way from the time I was 5 years old I remember smelling privates with the girl next door. I had best friends every year I played with until that final year in 7th grade and my mom said “your a lil dyke arn’t you?” horrified I said no and fooled around with boys after that.

Dated through high school was titled “poison” for some reason I guess your not supposed to dump boys or they call you all sorts of names but they bored me… but I did at the time think I loved them.

Welll I went to college then got married had 3 children all the while searching the internet for a girlfriend. Met moms out for a drink met bi women went to strip clubs with hubbby and that is when I met her…the one…my heart still breaks when I think about her. We are so different yet so much alike. She 10 years younger but everyone said I look the same age. I fell head over heels for her. I even got jealous if I didnt hear from her for a day. We talked everday for the entire year we were together. She made me feel beautiful and young and hip. She loved me like i had always dreamed of being loved. She told me I was beautiful and hot and sexy everyday. She wanted me to touch her constantly and she was hotter than I.

But…I let her go, because of my family. He said you are going to destroy 4 lives (3 kids plus him) for your sexual preference?!! That is selfish!! I agreed but after one year with her which was even harder that one month. She even said she would wait for me. But her just 24 I felt she should find someone her age. I felt I was holding her back. I already destroyed a year of her life. Though she disagrees, she says I helped her realize she was really a lesbian. Me too! I want to shout but cant…I cant in this sound proof closet I live in. How are these women so strong to leave?? He is such a good father a good man with good moral and values. Raised better than I. I cant leave and I let the best thing that ever happen to me go…because I cant leave.

I miss her, miss women, I have gone out and picked up women for the taste the smell the passion but I cried after…it wasnt her

Now she has met another…told me not to call. The new woman gets upset…Im heart broken…all over again.

here I sit in my perfect house, myt perfect life, my perfect kids, my perfect husband and its more than I can bear. its not me, it never was I created the life I never had and now its facing me in the mirror. how many movies have we seen like that… now i’m living it.