2006
"I’m just insane"
Today my ex said to me, “I’m just insane.” Of course, being the nice person I am, I said “No you’re not.” She proceeded to tell me all the reasons why she is insane. I really couldn’t disagree with her. So I kept my trap shut (didn’t type anything).
She was the first, and for a long time I thought, the only. I met her when I was 15. I fell hard and fast. We were together off and on from 1999 until April of this year. That’s a really long time. especially for two teenagers. I always saw myself growing old with her, having babies with her. I was all alone in this world that revolved around her. She could cut me down so fast, and build me back up in the same conversation. I hung on her every word. Even when we weren’t dating, we spoke on a regular basis. She’s been it for me for a very long time. Over the course of our relationship, we broke up a hundred times. And a hundred times I said I’d never go back to her. I said I was tired of being treated badly. But I went back, most times, crawling. Why? Because I’m insane.
Now I have moved on. I am secure in my decision to end our relationship. I haven’t had any regrets. I haven’t wanted to go back. I know I deserve better. What I have now is the best thing in my life. She appreciates me, she tells me I am beautiful on a daily/hourly basis. She’s everything my ex wasn’t, or couldn’t be. So, why am I still friends with the ex?
It’s hard to let go of something that big. We talk maybe once a week on AIM. I haven’t called her. I won’t call her. Some part of me still gets weak when I hear her voice. I can’t afford to be weak. I’ll lose everything I’ve got if I go back to her. I still worry about how she is doing, but I don’t care who she is dating or not dating. I want her to be happy. I want her to find peace and tranquility, and a relationship she can grow in. I guess I’m still friends with her because we’ve been through hell and back together. You can’t let something like that go…even if she is insane.
