thelesbianlifestyle.com

Oct
2006

Who’s the Man?

Neither of us, damnit!!!

Loverbunny’s post about transmen sparked a thought in me. Actually, a pet peeve that occurs almost weekly. Partner and I have been together for almost 4 years. Neither of us falls into one particular category of dyke. She may be a little more femme than me, but I wouldn’t classify myself as butch. So, as friends and family furrow their brows and try to understand, they ask The Question:

So which one of you is the man?
Well - what do you mean by man? Partner lifts heavy things and kills bugs, but I kill spiders and do most of the driving.
But somebody has to be the man!
I cook, she cleans. Does that help?
Well Jen, you must be the man then. (I can almost see the thought bubble - somebody must be the man, or my head will explode. What are these girls thinking? You need a man!)

Partner and I have concurred that I am assumed to be the man because of my personality. I have a dry sense of humor. I am sarcastic. Partner is gentler than I. And more sympathetic.

But I have to give up my femininity? People give me a funny look when I wear a skirt. But she’s the man, she should be wearing pants! I like skirts. They’re comfy. And stretchy. But getting funny looks when I wear them is a definite downside. Or, the kicker: Jen, you look like such a girl!!! Well, duh….

I would never have considered myself a feminist before now. I didn’t think that lesbians and feminism go hand in hand. Now I’m not so sure. Aren’t we both saying that we don’t need men? That one of us doesn’t have to be the man?

I’m not a crusader. I just want to live and let live. But jeez. Do I have to be submissive to exert my femininity?

***Partner’s cousin (and good friend) has recently had an epiphany. Neither of us is the man. We have an equal partnership. This caused me no small amount of happiness. And hope.

Jen
outnproud.com

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Comments

3 Responses to Who’s the Man?

This is something I’ve yet to experience on a serious level. That may be because, however, I’m not seen with my girlfriend and most people (the people that *would* ask the Question) do not know she exists. I have had one friend ask once. What I did was shrugged and said neither of us, really. What I *should* have said is, “We’re lesbians. L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. Meaning two *girls* in love,”. That’d have been considerably more fun. And have proven I can spell.

by Raven on October 15th, 2006 at 2:35 pm

Lately I have been struggling with the fact that I am demeanor is masculine & physically very feminine. I like to wear skirts with flower prints while changing
my tire… in heels or flats. I dated a stud and she was always pissed that I was stronger & rougher & that I would call her my princess. She cleaned, I cooked. She washed the car,swept & mopped, did the laundry… I fixed the plumbing, caulked the walls, and fixed the drawers & cabinets with my power tools. We had been together for four years & about a month ago she decides she wants time off bc she feels I have changed her into a “girl” (but she is!!!). While she “searches” for her self I have been seeing women who are more feminine in their style as well as behavior & I seem to feel more comfortable… but I still love “Jeff”, my stud. I don’t know what to do. Sucks that even in our community there are roles & rules… what is great for one person sucks for the next. Anyone have any suggestions?

by Anonymous on October 16th, 2006 at 2:43 pm

This is an interesting topic. My partner and I have been together for 5 years, she’s 53 and I’m 50, so maybe it’s a little different at this age–maybe you don’t think of a couple of “grammas” needing a man! LOL. But anyway, we are definitely an equal partnership. I love to cook, but can leave the rest of the housework alone. She LOVES being a “housewife”, but also does woodworking and was a certified mechanic in the military. We both love HGTV–but she’s more into the actual remodeling type stuff and I prefer painting, etc.

But the bottom line is, our partnership works and it is EQUAL. I was married earlier in my life, and with guys, and never, EVER had an equal relationship. I worked full time outside the home and was expected to do all the in-home chores, too. Total bummer, for sure. Who needs a man? Not me, that’s who! My sweet soft woman is all I need. Butch? Femme? who cares, she’s HERSELF and that’s all that matters to either of us! Thanks for a great blog! Linda in Colorado.

by Anonymous on January 15th, 2007 at 2:56 am