thelesbianlifestyle.com

Suddenly Suzie…
By Suzanne Marie Calvin
www.SuzanneMarieCalvin.com

I’m not sure if I was born gay.

I do know I was born different.

My entire life has been 41 years of getting to know myself, while living between four walls that stressed that being “Ozzie and Harriet” normal was, well, “good.”

I’d always done things differently. In spite of consistently trying to be a “good Catholic girl” and please my family, there was always a free-spirited part of me that wavered off of that straight line that seemed to have been pre-drawn long before my birth.

I went through my normal rebellious teen years, surprising everyone who often wondered where that good student, good adolescent, just plain “good” girl went.

I ignored so many clues to myself… little things like the sexual experimentation I’d had (and really enjoyed) with a girlfriend at age 11… or the various and multi-degreed crushes I’d had on girls through elementary and high school… and even the fact that there seemed to be no male I was totally attracted to that managed to knock my socks off. Even the fact that, while having sex with men, I’d often fantasize about women. I was clueless and filled my “who knew??” shoes quite well.

I married at the age of twenty, mostly to leave my parents’ home. I was young and immature and married a man who was like a third parent to me. I pretended to be “Harriett,” the good wife, good housekeeper, and eventually, good mother. Good, good, good. I’d fallen into the “good” trap again, completely ignoring the then small voice inside of me that screamed of wanting to be “bad.” Not “bad” by my own standards, just everyone else’s. For me, “being bad” meant simply being myself, and knowing that it would rock everyone else’s world because I’d no longer fit their image of “good.”

A few years into the marriage, I was a wreck. At the seven year point, we were still childless, and I wanted OUT. In my twenties, my courage was still underdeveloped, as was my sense of self. I tried to leave, panicking when I lost friends and family in the process. Believing what everyone told me, that I was stupid for leaving, that I’d never find anyone like “him,” I caved and stayed.

I spent the years that followed in a constant pattern of trying to make a marriage work. A marriage that was completely wrong for me. A marriage I had no business being in. A marriage in which I felt no surge of love for this man who consistently demeaned me as though I were a child.

Nevertheless, rather than focusing on what lacked, I simply submerged myself in trying to be “good.” People in my family didn’t get divorces. I had two children, which meant concentrating on being a good mother. I woke each day feeling as if I were assuming a “role,” but unfortunately, the only time I wasn’t reading from the invisible script of my life was when I slept. Finding relief in that down time, I discovered that sleeping more than being awake suited me.

In a last ditch effort to continue trying to find a spark that wasn’t there, I encouraged an out of state move to my dream place. I realized, however, after a month or two, that nothing was going to put the “spark” back into my marriage, simply because the spark was never there. Realizing this made me feel trapped, and feeling trapped made me depressed. At the time it took huge physical signs like panic attacks and extreme weight loss to make me realize my life was killing me.

When I met my partner, Diane, I was in the process of making the decision to leave my marriage. Diane offered me a place to stay for myself and my children.

Having spent her lifetime knowing she was gay, she’d given six years of her life to living alone and readying herself for a life partner who would be her perfect match. I fell into her life like a comet. We still laugh about the explosive manner in which our relationship began.

I sometimes wonder how I kept myself locked up within myself for so long. Falling in love with Diane was so natural, I never even once questioned that we were the same sex, though I know everyone who knew me did. Being with her seemed more natural than anything I’d ever done in my life. Loving her has helped me not necessarily “find myself,” but rather LET myself. Just let myself.

We have my children most of the time and they couldn’t love Diane more if she were their biological parent, and the feeling is mutual. She is kind, giving, and has shown me a respect and passion I never dreamed possible. She is my twin soul.

I lost most of my family in this life transition. They can’t conceive having a daughter who is not only no longer a “good Catholic girl,” (I left the church five years ago), but who is now in a same sex relationship. I’m not sure they can even comprehend that I am with the woman who will be my partner for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if they know what they are missing… if they realize how much I have to offer. That no matter who I choose to love, no matter the choices I make, I am still a “good” person. They may never realize this. But now that I am finally, suddenly Suzie, I’m never going back.