thelesbianlifestyle.com

Up until today, I was kind of a “fence sitter” when it came to gay marriage. See, before I met my wife, I was married twice to men, and trust me, I got no particular “benefit” out of either one of those doomed-from-the-start relationships. So, when I came out, and then later, when I met HER, and we talked about making that commitment, I thought, well, we’ll just do everything via the legal system, get life insurance, etc., and just cover our bases that way. And we proceeded to do just that. And we’ve both been very satisfied by the results.

Because, truthfully, I believe, way down deep in my heart, that the ONLY way the GLBTQ community is ever going to get the right to be married is to just marry our loves in whatever form feels right to each individual couple and then LIVE AS IF YOU ARE MARRIED. Because in my mind, if you have made that commitment to each other, in public, in front of a group of friends and/or family, then, dammit, you’re married. So, if all of us GLBTQ folk who have life partners just live out in the neighborhoods where we live, and we’re good neighbors, and we have great yards, and we pick up trash in the park across the street, and we give away our garden produce, and we wave and say Hi! to our neighbors, and we volunteer to watch their houses when they are out of town, and the kids around know we are a safe house, and we call the power company to come and take down the shoes hanging on the wires because we know that’s a gang sign for an area where drugs are being sold, then sooner or later, most people are going to realize that they actually know a GLBTQ couple who is LIVING AS IF THEY ARE MARRIED, and it will dawn on them, “Hey, they ARE married.” And the next go-round of the gay marrige bill that gets proposed may not be voted down.

I know, I know, everyone reading this is sitting there snickering, saying “Yeah, right in a perfect world.” Ok, I agree it is somewhat naive….BUT, it’s what I believe, and to be honest, it is, for the most part, what we have experienced here in our relatively small, blue-collar oriented, working class town. Maybe our neighbors aren’t “sophisticated” enough to care one way or the other.

But then, today. My wife, G., is retired/disabled from the military. She was crushed under the weight of two huge tires that fell on her and folded her in half backwards. Luckily, although she did suffer a fractured spine, she wasn’t paralyzed on the spot, but the fallout 15 years after her injury is blown out knees, and constant pain. She bears it so well, she is probably the most active person I’ve ever met. She is determined to stay upright and out of a wheelchair no matter what. I admire her more than I have ever admired anyone. She is amazing. But today, the pain was almost too much. She’s been fighting since I’ve known her for the VA to recognize that she has a “real” knee problem and see if she can either get arthroscopic surgery or a knee replacement in the near future. The progress is agonizingly slow, but she is always upbeat and kind to everyone she talks to at the VA, and of course, since this happened in 1991, and she’s been in this town for good since 1994, everyone here knows her, and does what they can to help the wheels turn a little bit faster.

Trouble is for all the “big” stuff, she has to go 120 miles away, to Denver, where no one knows her, where the docs change seemingly on a weekly basis, and where no one ever bothers to return a phone call pleading for help. But I’m getting off topic here. This isn’t meant to be a rant against the VA. What hit me today, is that I have ABSOLUTELY NO STANDING to advocate for her. I have held jobs in the health insurance and legal fields, and I know how to “work the system” so to speak, to get past the various layers of factotems and functionaries, and get into the “works” and get things done. But I can’t do that for HER. I, her wife, cannot help her in the least little bit, UNLESS I call and pretend to BE her, because sometimes dealing with all this shit just brings out the PTSD, and she can’t put two words together in a sentence. And THAT’S what sucks about not being married.

It’s not about money, or benefits, or whose name is on the mortgage or quit claim deeds or pensions or any of that. It’s about when the woman I love most in the whole world is hurting, I, with all my skills, cannot do a damn thing for her, other than hold her and let her spill her rare tears on my shirt. And I still don’t know if we would actually go out and get legally married even if we were able to. But believe me, I will support that right with every vote I can cast from now on.

Feeling just a wee bit more grumpy than usual,

Grumpy Granny