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I read a recent interview with Lionel Shriver about her latest book The Post Birthday World. In this book the main character is a woman who tries to choose between two men. In the real world the author had a similar dilemma. The interviewer noted in the interview that when choosing between two different people you’re also in ways choosing different versions of yourself. In the book the main character experiences things based on being with each man like grocery shopping or winning awards and how the protagonist reacts with each person.

Soon after reading that interview I asked a co-worker if she felt that the way she is as a person changes based to a degree on who she’s dating including if she single. She had to think then responded yes but needed to think more. So I’ve been doing my own thinking on this topic. The TTL topic this month is about the urge to merge & if we lose our identities. And with that question I also ask myself how do I change based on being single or dating certain persons. If I change what exactly changes and why. Why is my identity-the place I act & react from, the place I understand as my self, allowed to shift based on outside sources?

Let me say first off I don’t have all the answers to this. My guess is there are factors that are social, psychological, physiological, astrological even. I don’t know but I can think about this to understand myself & others a little more.

The woman I am in my current relationship is different than the woman I was in my last significant relationship. Why? I was younger then which means I didn’t know myself as well. I didn’t have a full grasp on my own person hood & because of that parts of myself were sublimated while other parts were suppressed. And the reason for that was in short- low self esteem. I wanted this woman to like me, love me even and so some of my self I hid away because I felt if she knew the real me, she wouldn’t care for me as she claimed. Low self esteem is a real pain in the ass and I think many of my relationship mistakes in the past came from a place of not knowing myself and worse not loving myself as fully as I could. I’m happy to say that has changed.

Each woman I’ve dated has to a degree brought out parts of myself. I’m a pretty multifaceted type of gal and have learned that I do well with women who, like me, defines the word variety. But back in the day (because as mentioned I didn’t know myself that well) I dated ladies who had things in their personality that made up more of their whole selves & I found them fascinating. I dated a woman who was a bartender and a party girl and that brought out more of my wild side. Spent time with a mother-earth hippy type and that brought out a more mystical side of me. A few years back I lived with a woman who wanted a family & that made me think more about having kids than I had before. One of my first girlfriends 13 years ago was a hardcore feminist and helped me to think more about oppression. In ways it’s as if I’ve learned about the world inside & all around me through my lovers. But heck don’t we all to a degree?

Today I’m my own person thanks in part to all the women who have shown me through their own truth and sometimes falseness who I really am. I don’t need to become like anyone one to be loved. If there’s a merging it’s now of happy hearts rather than brokenness and ego that brings us into each other. The wonderful and wonder-filled woman I’m with now has not changed my identity at all. The only thing we do for each other is support each other in being our fullest real selves. Even when it’s scary. And I could never be at a point where I can stand in front of someone and be so vulnerable until I had gone (or put myself) through many lessons and experiences in knowing myself.
Peace!
~F