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I was chatting with my pals Margo Moon and Ask A Lesbian and suddenly, I felt the urge to thank those responsible for relief of all the tension in my life as full time mom, full time wage slave, and part time blogger. They agreed, it needed to be said.

Etsuhiko Shoyamacom

Hitachi, Ltd.

4-6, Kanda-Surugadai, Chiyoda-ku
Tokyo, 101-8010, Japan

Dear Mr. Shoyama:

I have not felt compelled to write to a company regarding a product since I got into that little skirmish with T-Fal 15 years ago over the non-sticklessness of the pan they sold me. I know they appreciated the fact I sent the pan back to them, scrambled eggs melded to the sides and all, so their representative could understand when she argued the impossibility of such an event. It was a successful contact, however, having received a check, once I suggested where she could stick the non-stick pan, but, I digress.

Some little time ago, after being told by several friends that I seemed a bit tense due to my unanticipated state of celibacy, I purchased a Hitachi Magic Wand. I was unsure of the veracity of the high recommendations I had received from, well, every woman I knew who had one, and felt compelled to try it myself. After all, being stressed is never pleasant, is it?

The simple, easy-to-use instructions and diagrams were helpful. I carefully reviewed the instructions and was pleased to learn that the product could reduce the tension in the neck, shoulders, legs, and feet. It did surprise me, however, to suddenly become aware that so many of my friends seemed to be suffering from unwanted neck and shoulder tension which required frequent massage.

I did want to let you know, and perhaps you could alert your marketing team—that I have discovered yet another marvelous use for your product. I came upon the discovery quite by accident one night when I was massaging the back of my legs. I had fallen asleep, and rolled over in my sleep. I was awoken by an extremely pleasant sensation that quite caught my attention. I was amazed! The Hitachi Magic Wand provided almost immediate and complete tension relief by merely straying from your instruction manual ever so slightly. I am 100% satisfied with this product. I do hope that straying from the instructions does not in any way void my warranty.

Simply put, I was an immediate convert. I haven’t had one day of tension since I started using your product. I immediately told all of my friends, who just patted me on the head and nodded—there must be a way to get the word out!

And, I’ve found it handy to have in so many situations. Well, I hesitate to go on and on about just how handy the Magic Wand is and how it has transformed my life. I do have concerns though, because I have found I have given up things that previously brought me pleasure, like actually wanting to date, or go to places without electricity such as camping, or kayaking, or even wanting to go to work in the morning, all in the name of relieving tension. But, I’m sure you’ve heard this all before.

So, in summary, Mr. Shoyama, despite being a man who makes millions as one of the top dogs in your patriarchal society, you have brought immeasurable pleasure to literally millions of American women (though sadly not in the State of Alabama), and I thank you.

Sincerely,

Hahn at Home