thelesbianlifestyle.com

I’ve been through the wars. The dyke drama. I am strong. I’ve attained some wisdom. I am a middle-aged dyke. So, I decided it’s time to share my unique spin on things for those who find themselves confused. Join me for my new weekly feature at Hahn at Home Saturdays.

Dear Middle-Aged Lesbian,

My girlfriend of 3 years recently bought a cell phone, despite being vehemently opposed to being attached to yet another piece of technology. And, she’s now never without it. In fact, if she walks out of the room and forgets it, she races back in and slides it into her pocket. I was starting to worry she’d never get into the 21st Century! She’s also started taking long speed walks in the evening alone. I asked if I could join her, and she said she needed time to herself. She must be getting in a pretty good workout though, because sometimes she’s gone for 2 or 3 hours. When she comes home, she jumps straight into the shower and into bed and falls fast asleep, poor tired baby. We haven’t made love in over a month because of her new dedication to fitness. She’s also made other changes like buying new lingerie for herself and getting better haircuts. But, really, I’m most excited that she started going to a book club on Thursday nights. I’d never seen her read a book before…come to think of it, I haven’t seen the book she’s reading for the book club either.

I’m really excited that she is growing so much and taking such good care of herself all of a sudden. Right?

Signed,

Wife of Old Dogs, New Tricks?

Dear Wife of Old Dog,

Wow, thanks for the picture of yourself, most people don’t do that for me. It really helps though. You are so hot—what, is your girlfriend crazy? Sure, your girlfriend might be learning some new tricks, but I’m afraid the fact she finally understands, “roll over,” means she’s rolling over in someone else’s kennel.

I think you should put it to the test. Next time she’s in the shower, gather up all of her clothes and put her cell phone and the clothes in the washer with even more clothes to muffle any potential ringing sounds. When she comes out looking for her phone, does she race around like a madwoman, and if so, for how long? Does she grab the house phone and call her cell number desperately trying to locate the phone in the house? After not finding the phone, does she find an excuse to “go for a walk” right away and grab some quarters on her way out? Besides being great fun watching her panic, it will tell the tale, trust me.

After she leaves, pull the phone out of the washer and start randomly dialing saved numbers to see if she’s at any of them so you can share your excitement that you saved her phone. If you get the answer I think you’ll get, take the phone back to the washer, throw it in, and hit, “Rinse.”

I know you’ll need some solace, sweetie. I’m a real, real good listener. Wear that same blouse from the picture you sent when you come over for your comfort session, k?

Hugs,

MAL