thelesbianlifestyle.com

This is a hard post to write, and I’m not even sure how to do it, but I’m going to try. In summer, 2006, my mom passed away. I, being the oldest of her 4 children, got to handle her estate, and for that, I was very glad to have been a paralegal for the previous 4 years. Long story short, each of the siblings received a decent sum of money; nothing huge, but for me it was the opportunity to be able to leave said dreaded paralegal job, and take some time to assess my life as it was and how I wanted it to be, and to pursue working from home part time as a medical transcriptionist, AND to take my dream trip to Spain as a celebration of my 50th birthday, which I had been planning for the past 7 years.

Okay, all of that happened. As of November 15, I had officially been working from home for a year, did my travels, etc., etc. It was a great year, and as frugal as I tried to be with the money, it’s about gone….so….I now find myself still up in the air about “what I want to be when I grow up”.

I’m job hunting. Which I hate. Which, where I live, is pretty darn tough. At least to find a job that pays more than $7.00 a hour, unless you happen to be a nurse or a welder, neither or which I am.

So….the last few weeks, I have been perusing the paper, and checking out the state, county, and city websites for jobs. Imagine my surprise when I see that there is a dispatch position for the State Patrol open. THAT job actually sounds like something I could do, would enjoy, and would be good at. I have dealt with anxious, freaked out people over the telephone for most of my working life, and I’m good at getting them to calm down and tell me what they need, which I assume a dispatcher would do at least part of the time.

I filled out the very basic online application and got called for a test. After that round, I got called back for the 2nd round. Initially, because of one goof-up, I thought I had blown my chance, but last week, a guy from the SP called and said he was sending me a packet with another test, and a more detailed application to fill out. So, yesterday I got it, and started looking it over.

Now, comes the dilemma. Of course, they’re going to do a background check. I don’t care, I’ve never been arrested, I have lived, all things considered, a pretty boring life (besides that stint with the circus right out of college….). BUT, they want information regarding parents, spouse, previous spouse, blah, blah, blah…and here it hits me…

Obviously, I am not “legally” married to my wife. But she IS my wife, my spouse. Do I put that? Or do I put her in the place that asks about “other people you live with”? My 2 previous “legal” husbands are both dead. My parents are dead. My siblings live in another state, and one of them is in a group home, so they aren’t going to get a lot of information from most of those folks. I am so torn. I want to be completely honest from my heart and say I am married, yet, legally, that is a lie. So, where does that fall in polygraph land? Yes, there will be a polygraph if I get further along in this process.

And, as stated before, I am 50 years old. I have really loved working from home as an MT, but I realize that even if I were getting enough work to do it full time (right now it’s very part time), most of the positions are as independent contractors, which means not only no benefits, but that I must also pay all my own taxes, which sucks. I have no pension; I have 2 small IRAs, and that’s IT. I have to think about my future, about OUR future. My wife is 100% disabled from the military, so her income is relatively certain, and all her medical care is covered, but I need to work for at least the next 20 to 25 years, I need insurance, and it would be nice to think that MAYBE in that time I COULD build up some kind of retirement. I definitely don’t want her worrying about having to support ME on her disability income.

Of course, since I don’t have a job offer, I’m probably making all this angst for nothing. But it’s there, in my head, and I hate it. I love my wife, I am so proud of her, and proud to be with her, but, at least in this case, in order to go forward with this job that I REALLY would like to do and KNOW that I would be good at (and is it wrong to want a job that you will enjoy and be good at??), I have to negate all that, at least in the interview process.

What a thing.

What a damned, slap-in-the-face thing.

Merry Christmas, right??

GG

PS - my wife, goddess bless her, having come out in the military, is way more laid back about this than I am. She says, do what I need to do to get the job, if I want the job. I do love that woman.