thelesbianlifestyle.com

I’m new here, I’d like to stay as anon as possible because I tend to be a bit controversial. I’ll say this once, I don’t care what people think and I don’t really care if what I say hurts your feelings. When I’m at home I have to use the “filter” as my wife calls it but here I will refuse.

My story is very brief but all in all you will soon see why I refuse to give a shit about what others say, feel or think about me.

Growing up I was a “nerd”….or a “geek”… or just unpopular. I allowed myself to be pushed around, I had Formaldehyde thrown in my eyes, I’d been pushed down, groped, called names, forced to get out of my seats etc. I guess when I had had enough I simply snapped.

When I got to high school I felt awkward. I didn’t know who I was or why I kept staring at the hot girls asses. I dated geeky guys and had sex very young to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian. All of the aforementioned things really took a toll on my self esteem.

I decided young that I wanted to be a cop. Why? who really knows. The job just seemed like it was all I could do. I wanted to help of course but I just knew it was why I was put on this earth. I worked really hard after high school to define myself. I went to community college, dated a boy and dreamed of women on the side. My mother was a single mom and couldn’t help me with school. Finally the working, and full time school took a toll on me and I dropped out of school with only 2 classes to go. I dumped my boyfriend and told him I was gay. I hadn’t even kissed a woman or been to a gay bar, nor did I even known any gay people.

He promptly spread the news about town and I started getting phone calls from people I didn’t know, but knew friends wanting to know if the rumors were true. I got calls from my moms friends who were trying to protect her. It wasn’t long before I had to out myself to my mom in the hopes that she hadn’t heard it from another source yet.

I sat her down and told her the “horrible news” she cried and told me I had to get out of the house, she quickly changed her mind and told me she was just scared. Shorty after I came out to my mom we found out my sister was pregnant. My sister is simply a 31 year old with the mentality of a 16 year old. I love her but she had no business having a child. (good thing she doesn’t read this)

Shortly after finding out my sister was pregnant and I was a dyke, my mom died suddenly in her sleep. Some have their theories, mine is that she took her own life. I think she was just fed up with life. After all, she worked her ass off to support 2 children only to find out one is runing her life and the other is a big dyke. She always told me that she wasn’t afraid of death but that she looked forward to it. When I found her we called the police, the medical examiner showed up and took my mom away for an autopsy. Her body was too decomposed to do a toxicology screening so they labled her death as heat related.

I didn’t tell them that I found an entire bottle of cough medicine with Codein and blood pressure pills in the garbage can, empty. They were prescribed the day before she died.

There I was all of 23 left without a mother and a half ass father who never gave a shit about me and remarried when I was 11.

I took my mom’s life insurance money and finished school. I went to the police academy and found a job. During my background investigation for my current place of employment, the Sargent who did my background found out I was gay and before I was even hired he outed me to the whole department.

When I got there everyone already had their opinions of me formulated. Some wouldn’t speak to me because of my orientation and some refused to be on my shift. I contemplated quitting. I’m still there and I’ve made some great friends and changed some of the strictest minds.

I have no filter, I say what I want and I say how I feel. I have a giant wall surrounding me and my loved ones that if penetrated you will feel my wrath. I don’t allow myself to be hurt any more nor do I allow others to make me feel inferior, weak or less than human. I accept my second class citizenship with great ease because it gives me something to fight for. As for future blogs they’ll probably consist of swearing, mean spirited comments and a little self loathing if I can squeeze it in.

Peace!