thelesbianlifestyle.com

This time last year, almost to the exact time, I was nursing a nasty hangover and crawling out of the sanctuary of bed to catch breakfast at Walnut. Equip with the darkest sunglasses I owned, the baggiest sweat pants and my coziest sweatshirt I made my way into the first morning of 2007. I had bags under my eyes, a pounding headache, makeup caked on from the night before and I was at breakfast with my closest friends trying not to laugh too loud about the night before.

That New Years 2007 was my gateway drug. Sure, I had partied before. I had my share of booze-induced nights during high school and after, but New Years was my declaration to the world that I was a full-grown adult and I could do as I pleased. From that evening on when I went out, I went out in full force. I was out to drink and drink I would. Nothing short of belligerent would satisfy my craving for what I thought the adult world was. Summer followed New Years and it was an uphill battle from then on. Everyone was home from school, I had a new group of friends and I was ready to party. It seemed as though every night someone was having a party or doing something equally as wild. I was caught up in the whirlwind of what every twenty something was doing, except that I was not twenty something. I had just turned 19.

It was fun until the nights caught up with me, the drama became too much to handle and I was losing friends left and right. I was a damn mess and it took a whole lot to realize I needed to ground in a big way. In fact, it took one breakup, complete loss of control over my emotions and impulses and finally realizing that I had lost every single friend I loved. Despite it all I learned copious amounts in 2007. I learned that friends are the staple to my sanity and without them, I feel completely lost. I learned that love lost is better then never have loved at all. I lost two big loves in my life and from each of them I have grown and changed tremendously. I learned that being an “adult” is not something that happens over night, it is a life long journey and I have just started. I learned that the words that tumble out of mouths so easily are not usually matched by actions, especially mine. I learned that no matter how hard you try; sometimes you need to just stop trying. I learned to let things go, to acknowledge the fact that I cannot be in control all the time and to know when I feel the most out of control all I need to do is breathe and trust.

I have some big dreams for 2008 and I am allowing them to go unimpeded. I will no longer hold my self back because I am too afraid to fail. I am about to leap and where I land is right were I am suppose to be. I am forcing myself to look at me at all angles, inside and out. It is not always a pretty site and I am willing to let go of the ego that has clouded my vision along with my actions for too long. I want the opportunity to show myself that I can be someone exceptional, that I can be happy with the person I was born to be. I am no longer doing this for others; I am not going to live by the standards of my peers, this time its all for me. I am no longer trying, I just am. In all my imperfections, in all my mistakes, in all my ugly and in all pretty I just am. I am ready to love and I am more then ready to learn. I am no longer taking for granted the life I have or the people I have in it. I have high standards for myself and I am going to live up to every single one.

Therefore, instead of making a resolution, I am going to make a promise. I am going to promise to be the authentic, unadulterated person I knew I always was and only act out of that place. I promise to take more time and not rush so much. I promise to say I love you more. I promise to act my age. I promise to stay still and to have more fun. I promise to breathe a little more and stress a little less. But, most of all I promise to accept all of life’s imperfections, all of my imperfections and the imperfections of those I love. I have a feeling this year will be better then the last, but only a stepping-stone to my years to come. I hope your 2008 is filled with love, family, friends and new beginnings.

With all my love,

Alex