thelesbianlifestyle.com

Sheesh! What do you REALLY think??? LOLOL

Ok, I don’t really agree with all this BUT…. I think the reason why we break up so much is because we have such a SMALL “pool” to draw from unlike the straight population.

We have only the 20 or so lesbians in any given area to pick from. So you get into a relationship… things are going fine… you call UHaul then WHOOPS — you find out she’s a paper-carrying psychopath with “daddy” issues.

So you move on to the 19 lesbians that are left.

…and so on…

Perhaps if we had 80% of the population surrounding us as possible partners like the straight folks do, we’d have a better selection process.

…my 2 cents…

Signed,
The girl who’s had 2 LTR in the last 16 years one of which lasted almost 12 years… and is now legally civil unioned to the 2nd one and happy as a pig in sh!t.

this was awesome. i like your anger.

i’d also like to blame lesbian promiscuity on the L word.

its common knowledge that people model their lives based on what they see on tv. and with really only 1 show thats pretty mainstream, of course we’ll see lesbians reenacting scenes (way too much) in their real lives.

with that said, i want to be bette when i grow up. (minus the carpenter) and i dont care if that makes me a bitch.

Ok… so reading both comments I felt as though I must respond. Yes first off I’m actually the %1 who WILL say how she feels. If it offends you… I’m actually not sorry. As for the %20 theory, I disagree. I feel that if we as a cognizant culture “know” we have a small pool to choose from then we might just treat our loved ones with that much more respect. As for the “paper-carrying psychopath, that is a situation that a more experienced lesbian will not find herself mixed into. And PLEASE don’t get me started on the fucking L Word. I refuse to watch it. Yes… I fell prey to its enticing ladies of desire for the first season but when I was all over, I found myself less$60 (the package deal for the months it’s on of course) and wondering if there really were successful lesbians out there who acted like this. I havn’t watched a season since! FUCK SHANE! got a secret about her… it might make some of you rethink your sexuality but SHE IS STRAIGHT! she only “PLAYS” a gay girl. Lets get our heads out of the coulds girls! ok… I’m done. perhaps that should be a blog in it’s self.
PEACE!

Hmmm… neither of the comments said you were offending us. But ok.

People can seem one way and turn out to be another or change into something else later… no amount of experience is going to foresee that.

I’m all for speaking your mind as I’m one of this 1% you speak of — but I’m also in the .000005% that doesn’t believe in judging other people until I’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

I’m not even one of these people you’re speaking of but I know that there have been many a time that I judged someone for what they did then realized later as I became a “more experienced lesbian” that things weren’t always as they seem.

…I’m just sayin’.

I agree with you. I am not trying to be judgemental, however it’s very hard to support our own culture (I speak only for me). I think any lesbian wanting stability out of life can agree. as for you being the %1 I’m glad I’m not the only one out here.

I hear ya… I’ve seen some kooky sh!t go down, I’ll give ya that! lol

I have another theory…
I attribute our high break-up rates to the fact that women release oxytocin during/after sex (the “bonding” chemical), which is why we start calling each other “wifie” after two weeks, which leads to very intense relationships in a very short amount of time, and then the inevitable break up after we realize we really don’t know that much about our so-called wives and that they aren’t really as hot as we originally thought they were…

I love that theory! had I kown the scientific route I might have thrown that in there! Ok… so now what do we do about it. I say we just stop screwig LOL

This is an interesting discussion, but I’d hardly blame lesiban fideilty or lack thereof on “The L Word”. I mean, IT’S A TV SHOW. Personally, I really enjoy watching it, but since I’m 50, fat, and a grandmother, it’s like some delicious fantasy world that has absolutely no effect on my behavior in “real life”. It just has fewer calories than ice cream! I’ve been with my wife for 6 years now. We were both in our 40′s when we met, both had been married twice (to men), and she had been in a LTR with an alcoholic partner. When we found each other, we were just stunned that we had so much in common coming from such totally different backgrounds. That is what keeps us together–that and being totally committed to each other and to always being open and talking about EVERY issue that might potentially come between us, even when it is so hard to do. I honestly cannot imagine being with any other person besides her. Ever. Nor would I want to. Does that mean that I won’t be ATTRACTED to other women? No, not at all. But what I have now is so rare and perfect that I would never do anything to jeopardize that, and I am old enough, or mature enough, or evolved enough, or whatever enough to realize that. Maybe what the gay/lesbian culture needs to do is simply grow up and realize that strong, deep relationships (and that doesn’t necessarily mean ONLY monogamy–but HONEST) are better for us than flitting from flower to flower to flower, no matter how lovely or tempting those flowers might be.

Just an old Granny’s thoughts…

GG

Dear I Have a Thought, My Dear Grrll:
Let’s not be silly. Stop screwing? The mere thought of that is killing me. But what we could do is chill out and stop u-hauling it until we are sure…the current gf and I made a plan not to do it for 5 years, and now, at 18 months, the oxytocin is definitely wearing off. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, but the enchantment is wearing thin and I am like, whoa, beyond the hotness can I live with this person for the rest of my life? Honestly? I’m am so glad we don’t live together.

There are so few of you out there. I myself fell prey to the U-Haul rental process. as for giving up sex… Unless you are a nun, I’d never actually expect it of anyone.

What about good ol’ Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon who recently married in California? They’ve been together for 55 years. Nothing to scoff at from my point of view. As for Lesbians giving other Lesbians a bad name…well, some do and some don’t. We might say that Frat Boys give all Men a bad name – but in truth, they are only a small portion of the population, albeit a visible one.

I think it’s easy to speak in generalities. The lesbians you see hooking up every friday at the club, are the same lesbians who are out at the clubs EVERY FRIDAY. What you don’t see are the quiet couples spending the night in, grabbing coffee out at the local shop, those happily fucking behind closed doors, and those who are saving for that first house. Committed lesbian couples don’t tend to be a part of the “scene,” and sometimes they just become invisible.

Myself? I’m a professional woman with a solid career and a hot chick I’ve been committed to who still rocks my world. My god, does she ever. We still surprise each other with gifts, go out to dinner, buy new toys, and dress up for a night on the town every now and again. She’s a bit younger than me, and I work out like a freak to make my body something she’ll absolutely keep coming back to. Having a relationship is more than just commitment – it’s respect for the other person, love, being in the “same place” in your perspective, and having the same value system.

I think, personally, that there are a lot of insecure women out there. They end up going out with a girl because they got asked out, they don’t “expect” for themselves, and often “settle” for someone who wasn’t exactly their ideal. They feel they have to, because the pool is small or they live in a small town, or whatever the reason is. Any time you “settle,” you are going to be unhappy…and eventually, you have a pretty high probability of breaking up.

I hope everyone can be as lucky as I’ve been….and as for you…I wouldn’t lose hope. My gf and I are moving into a nice new loft in the city in a couple of weeks from our previous smaller one. We are building the life that we have imagined, and damn, it feels pretty darn good.

My wife and I have been together for more than 10 blissful years. We found the secret.

I have been with my partner for three years 5 months and it hasn’t been easy….there were times when I thought it was over but, we worked through it….I don’t know what the remedy or cure for staying together is but, most people don’t want to work at a relationship….that is what is takes, work!!!! I have a question for you….why is it that the only lesbians that are displayed in the media are two feminine woman….???? there are a lot of stud/butch and femme woman in long lasting relationships and all I ever see are two feminine woman? We need to be portrayed more openly….Butch/Stud females are not trying to be men!!!! They are simply being who they are “Aggresive Females”…..

Great column and discussion! A couple of points….
Yeah, there a relatively small number of folks in the old GLBT dating pool. Lots of women who are miserable in their heterosexual marriages remain so because they don’t know how to be financially independent and/or don’t want to disrupt their children’s lives. BTW, the financial dependency thing is a big factor for all women — not just the straight ones.

Also, be careful with the whole genetic basis for sexual orientation deal. The older I get (I’m 48) the more I believe that Kinsey was right. It’s just kinda weird to be live your life identified by your sexual preference. Unfortunately, our culture demands it.

Finally, as an ostracized community, there is a ton of peer pressure to conform to certain behaviors. The pressure to have exes be friends, the bar scene, to self-categorize in a rigid sub-identity (sports dyke, lipstick lesbian, etc.) is pervasive still. All these things distract from maintaining solid relationships.

Well Stace tells me that we have been together for 16 years now so I guess I can speak to this from the longer-term coupled perspective. I think one of the best things couples can do to help insure longevity is to become really good friends before they form a meaningful commitment.

Stace and I knew each other for eight years before we got together as a couple and had been best friends for about seven of those years. So by the time we fell in love we really KNEW the person we were falling in love with. She knew that it was probably best to just leave me alone in the mornings until I had finished my cigarette and diet coke and that I was likely to leave dirty socks on the floor of the bedroom. And I knew that she was never ever going to want to go to a fancy party as long as she lived for any reason whatsoever… unless I won the Nobel Prize or something.

The point is that we really knew who we were committing to so there weren’t a lot of ugly surprises 18 months down the road. I can’t say its all been completely smooth sailing, but the vast majority of the time the hasn’t even been a ripple on the water. She’s still the best part of my day — everyday — even all these years later.

Obviously, I’m not recommending that you wait eight years before becoming a couple. I am saying when that new hottie has you all in a swoon take some real time to get to know her before hitching up the u-haul.

I think there is a very big difference between bar scene lesbians and gurls who chose the same gender for our lovers.
The bars I go to can have subdued kittens in hot corners of swaying dance-floors to overt butch babes sweet-talking their way through a membership list.
But as a regular most of us know who is a couple and gossip about who just broke up, that scene really for me is just meeting old friends (and keeping a breast of the gossip).
But its a matter of not seeing “Lesbian” as some mold you try fit into, its a matter of being honest to your self and honest to your partner and just enjoying love.

Am I a lesbian?
Its a tag, a label and don’t get me wrong, I love to show off designer labels as any gurl with a fashion sense will.
But I don’t need rainbow tee shirts and I don’t need pink pride.
What I do need is someone to love and someone who loves me back
and if it happens to be another girl, then let the world point their accusing fingers and talk about some crappy morals and how we are unfair to the male urge to splatter its seed everywhere.

You don’t have to fit any ideal or compartmentalized standard to be lesbian. You represent yourself and your partner, you don’t represent lesbians everywhere.
So I can’t really believe in gurls giving other gurls a bad name.
The only common thing we all have is that we love other gurls.

Peace to all of you {smilez}.

Momos last blog post..Resurface

I confess I’m a baby dyke – but what u say is so true! It’s a rite of passage though. We have intense emotions and fickle attachments.

Wow havn’t been on in a while and I’m shocked to see people still commenting on this almost a year after the fact…. Let me say still feel the same way :0)

JESUS!! YOU WENT iiN!!

LOOK iiMA BABY DiKE AND ii LOVE Mii WiIFE [NO CEROMONY SHES A MiNOR]…
ii UNDERSTAND WAT YUR SAYiiN BUT YOU HAVE TO RECONiZE…iTSZ NOT THAT WE LESBiANS ARE MAJOR HOES..ITSZ JUST THAT WHEN WE HOE AROUND WE’RE NOTiCED MORE…YEAH iiTSZ NOT WORTH LOSiN RELATiONSHiPS,DOGS,KiDS OR HAiR OVER NEW TWAT BUT iT iSZ STiLL VERY TEMPTiN…
CANT SAY iiM AGREEiN WiD DA CHEATiN THiNG
JUST LOOKiN AT 2 SiDESZ OF THE GATE

I was in two long term relationships through out my entire twenties; 7 years and 4 1/2 respectively. I waited a year and a half before living together in both incidents but still felt like it went to fast and was u-haul in behavior. Neither partner could handle honest open communication, and I shut down as my feelings weren’t validated or responded too and I wanted to avoid the conflict are differences created as well; when I suggested counseling in both incident both partners declined and I ended it because there seemed to be no other solution. What factors attributed to us not staying together/ getting together in the first place? The small pool of available lesbians and thinking we would never find anyone else. At 19 with my first love, we came out together. Compatibility didn’t matter and we were too young to know who we were and what we wanted. We liked the same things and thought that was enough. My second relationship was a head over heals at first sight and I think the same thinking was in effect. I ignored all red flags because I thought the fact that I would do anything to make it work would in fact make it work. I grew up in a stable Christian home and saw my parents make it work no matter what and thought I could do the same. I was wrong and learned love was not enough to see us through.

Nothing like experience to wizen you up. Now I’m in my thirties and single 3 years yet dating a bunch. I am jaded, picky and wary of anyone I date who wants to rush things. It’s a complete turn off, when someone does not have their shit together (career in place, mental health in check) and acts overly romantic too soon as if we are automatic lovers and should move in soon. All the stuff I ate up in my early years is no longer substance for me. I’m looking for compatibility, good communication and like values first. Chemistry is still important and enjoying the same activities but definitely secondary.

Women biologically want to nest hence the u-haul phenomena. Research does show that gay men who partner up out last gay women who partner up and you would think it would be the opposite given the stereotypes. But look at our hetero counter parts and the divorce rate and all the people who stick together though it’s over or cheat. I do however think because we live in a world that is unfriendly to gays, and that there are less of us, it does add an extra burden to our relationships. Also finding gay friendly therapists is difficult task though resources exist and I found one. But finding one who is in the life and gets what you are going through is pretty hard and I live in LA. It’s next to impossible to find this help in small towns in which I grew up. So that puts at an added disadvantage. In spite of these factors I still don’t think we are that much more break up prone then anyone else.

Unfortunately there are people who behave like the characters on the L word. But I don’t think the show is entirely to blame. It only increased the cool factor for younger generations to act like selfishly and hedonistically. The scene can be pretty shallow and materialistic with girls who pride themselves on labels they wear and being able to get who ever they want or giving straight girls their first experience. But there are still very few of them and they don’t make me look bad. I’m sure they will wake up one day to how hollow and empty their lifestyle can be. Overall I don’t think most of us behave like any of the characters on that show nor wear all those god damn dresses out and I like dresses. But in West Hollywood you are looked at suspiciously if you dress to femme or have a purse in the lesbian community. It’s too easy to get misconstrued as a fag hag or visitor from planet straight.

I was in two long term relationships through out my entire twenties; 7 years and 4 1/2 respectively. I waited a year and a half before living together in both incidents but still felt like it went to fast and was u-haul in behavior. Neither partner could handle honest, open communication. I shut down as my feelings weren’t validated or responded too. I also wanted to avoid the conflict this difference created. When I suggested counseling in both incidents both partners declined and I ended it because there seemed to be no other solution.

What factors attributed to us not staying together/ getting together in the first place? The small pool of available lesbians and thinking we would never find anyone else. At 19 with my first love, we came out together. Compatibility didn’t matter and we were too young to know who we were and what we wanted. We liked the same things and thought that was enough. My second relationship was a ‘head over heals at first sight’ thing and I think the same thinking was still in effect. I ignored all red flags because I thought the fact that I would do anything to make it work would in fact make it work. I grew up in a stable Christian home and saw my parents make it work no matter what and thought I could do the same. I was wrong and learned love was not enough to see us through.

Nothing like experience to wizen you up. Now I’m in my thirties and single 3 years yet dating a bunch. I’m fortunate to live in a gay metropolis to have dating options. I am however jaded, picky and wary of anyone I date who wants to rush things. It’s a complete turn off, when someone does not have their shit together (career in place, mental health in check) or acts overly romantic too soon as if we are automatic lovers and should move in soon. All the stuff I ate up in my early years is no longer substance for me. I’m looking for compatibility, good communication and like values first. Chemistry is still important and enjoying the same activities but definitely secondary.

Women biologically want to nest hence the u-haul phenomena. Research does show that gay men who partner up out last gay women who partner up and you would think it would be the opposite given the stereotypes. But look at our hetero counter parts and the divorce rate. Also all the straight people who stick together though it’s over or cheat. I do however think because we live in a world that is unfriendly to gays, and that there are less of us, it does add an extra burden to our relationships. Also finding gay friendly therapists is difficult task though resources exist and I found one. But finding one who is in the life and gets what you are going through is pretty hard and I live in LA. It’s next to impossible to find this help in a small town in which I grew up. So that gives us at an added disadvantage. In spite of these factors I still don’t think we are that much more break up prone then anyone else. Society as a whole devalues commitment and just taking your time to get to know someone.

Unfortunately there are people who behave like the characters on the L word. But I don’t think the show is entirely to blame. It only increased the cool factor for younger generations to act selfishly and hedonistically. The scene in LA can be pretty shallow and materialistic with girls who pride themselves on labels they wear and being able to get who ever they want or giving straight girls their first experience. But there are still very few of them and they don’t make me look bad. I’m sure they will wake up one day to how hollow and empty their lifestyle can be. Overall I don’t think most of us behave like any of the characters on that show nor wear all those god damn dresses out and I like dresses. But in West Hollywood you are looked at suspiciously if you dress to femme or have a purse in the lesbian community. It’s too easy to get misconstrued as a fag hag or visitor from planet straight. Butches are not appreciated here which sucks too. So no matter where you go you will find the gay scene can be unforgiving and make requirements of you.

@Tina-cious.com – out of contents but i think your hottttttttttt!!!!!!!!!1by Tina-cious.com

This article is go great I want to pee my pants….and I totally agree with “ALL OF IT.”

But, on a personal note I have been with my partner for 31 years now–I am 48 years old–long time eh??

No Civil Union, no Canadian Marriage, no binding anything with my partner. I wonder how something as amazing as this happened? She is my only true and forever love, and will be until I die.

Some points about our lives though:
–We met at 18 years old–1979 (so we were pretty much in the closet with one another—you know–kept it quiet, but still knew we were together)
–We were to young to troll the gay bars—yippi.
–Grew older and went to College and then got our careers underway.
–By the way–still never went to any gay functions, Marches, dances, parties, that sort of thing. (Hell, we didn’t have enough time–we were always working. I am in the Medical Profession and my partner is in Government)
–We bought a house-that kept us at home (fixing it up, gardening, home repairs, ext)
–The L Word has been spun around on this blog, and we both have never in our lives watched it.

***There is this great quote that totally sums me up anyway:
“Once a woman is known as a lesbian, both she and society often feel that no other fact about her can rival the sexual identification…No matter what a lesbian achieves in her life be it with family, education or career, her sexuality will remain her primary identity.”

Lesbians should step beyond that primary color and realize there is a hell of a lot more out there in the world than another sexual conquest, lesbian dance, or gay TV show.

I am will other blogger GG——Maybe what the gay/lesbian culture needs to do is simply grow up and realize that strong, deep relationships (and that doesn’t necessarily mean ONLY monogamy–but HONEST) are better for us than flitting from flower to flower to flower, no matter how lovely or tempting those flowers might be.
xx

In my twenties, I indentified as straight. It was the same story: a small pool of friends ended up switching up partners all the time. One of my ex-boyfriends went from me to my best friend, and from her to her best friend. I got out of that by falling for a guy completely new to town. What a relief – no more Peyton Place.

I came out in my thirties and have been with my (real, legal) WIFE for 9 years now. I know lots of same sex couples who have been together for 20, 30 years, so my perspective is quite different from the author. Maybe it’s an age thing…young folks just tend to be more adventureous (shall we say?) and that can lead to multiple partners and big drama. Wising up, being mature and thoughtful as I age, I say “no” to the drama.

I’m in heaven….lesbians who can speak in sentences and REASON.
I’m so sick of “group think” . I don’t watch the L word either; I hate watching straight women pretend to be gay.
Actually I’m tired of movies-ANY movies- that have gratuitous sex scenes.There is definately something to say for modesty, spirituality, tenderness and monogamy. It seems all lesbians need are hump shots and mind f***s , power plays & drama. No thanks!And I’m so sick of games! Look in the mirror! I’m just one who has now given up…it’s pathetic!

Why compare lesbian relationships to hetero-relationships when men make the rules for heterosexuals. Why should lesbians live by hetero-fake standards? Who says a relationship should last a long time? What is a long time?

I personally don’t care what heterosexuals think about lesbians or about me. I live my life for me. Yes, I would like someone special in my life but I don’t dwell on it lasting forever. There are women I would like to get to know and not all sexually. Just because some lesbians date different women, it doesn’t mean they are having sex with them all, if any.

Promiscuity is a heterosexual word for women who have sex or just date without worrying about finding a man who will want to marry them if they are not virgins.

Lesbians aren’t real. They’re like unicorns.

There *are* lesbians out there who bed-hop…and there are gay men, straight men, and straight women who do the same thing. All lesbians are sluts just like all jocks are man-whores…or blondes with big boobs are whores… It’s a stereotype that has been applied to lesbians (in my opinon) by a hetero-driven society that looks for any reason possible to deem homosexuality “bad.”

I can definitely see numerous points of views on this one. When I was younger, I did find myself falling into a deep hole of break up after break up. Not to say that I was permiscuous, but I can say that I was incredibly close. I felt the need to find something better than I had. I kept thinking that if I kept looking, that the right one would fall into my lap. (Which is not the case) I let some really amazing women hate me because I was shallow and inconsiderate. I think there are numerous reasons as to why we have such a bad rep. I am definitely one of those reasons, but am making an effort to educate some younger folks that you don’t need to pass girls around because you are unhappy. It is much safer (mentally, emotionally, and physically) to find what you are looking for, and not settle for less. Basically, stop trying every flavor in the ice cream. Have a great day ladies. Thank you for your opinions and willingness to open up.

It’s that damn “lesbian bed death” thing…

Being from Canada, I *am* legally bound to my wife, and have to say that it is not that that keeps me from straying, but the inclination perhaps comes from a lusty sexy sexual relationship over time turning into best friendship, where couples do everything together and then have no interest in having sex because there’s nothing new and exciting to come home to.

Keeping your own identity is key. And I am not far off being the fresh piece of meat baby dyke in the bar… but never want to go back there.

Just have to find a happy medium. Not too comfortable, a little bit exciting.

And, it’s for that reason I will never let anyone call me their wife.

I agree with the dating pool theory, though.

I hope not to offend, but I think that the opinion that we have any more break ups than anyone else is ridiculous. Obviously when you are looking at any bar scene, you are gonna find bed hoping and broken relationships. That’s par for the course. Why would someone in there teens and twenties be looking to settle down? Gay, straight or otherwise. These “baby dykes” are doing what young people of any orientation do. I have more lesbian friends in long term committed relationships than not. Maybe it is an age and maturity issue, rather than a lesbian issue? I also think that it takes finding what you don’t want in order to see what you do. If you are single then mingle, nothing wrong with that if you ask me.

Its so refreshing to see an article about something that has bothered me also! I admit I dont get out much, but from what I see and read women do seem to latch on quick and then leave. I wonder if its a 20′s thing. You see that a lot in the younger generation, but you would think by the time they are in their thirties and fourties, they shape up. im 37, and would love to be in a real relationship with someone of high quality, but i have held out for years turning women down because i have the guts to wait for the right one. no sense in being hurt. We need to be mature about it. its not necessarily a chemical that makes us act like idiots, i dont buy that, I think its because people insist in having sex right away, and they dont ask enough questions about who the person really is. They dont give themselves a chance to generally like the person and make sure you can live with them long term.