2008
Coming out to yourself
Sometimes the things we dread the most, are the things most necessary. Coming out to one’s parents is one trip down memory lane, but coming out to your self is not always as simple. Coming out to yourself is admitting your different, is admitting you found you. And although we all have much more personal growth to do then just putting a LGBT stamp on our foreheads it does make finding oneself, sometimes, a little easier.
I came out when I was 15 years old. My mother is gay as well, so it made my transition and coming out story bland and uninteresting. Nevertheless, I still tell it because even though I did not have the scars to show from my coming out I still left the experience with a little more of me found and placed in tact.
The fact that my coming out was so easy and painless meant that I would only have one big lesson; my growth would not manifest itself from the experience of coming out to my parents. It would be a life long one, filled with heartache, discrimination and defeat.
The day I realized I loved girls is a day that keeps reoccurring. Everyday I come out a little bit more. Interactions, relationships and just every day encounters all contribute to my process. I learn about my differences day after day and I come out to myself repeatedly. Saying that I am gay to a stranger that asks, saying no to a boy that wants a date, reading about a current GLBT issue, all brings me one-step closer to find me and being comfortable as the person, not as the label.
Coming out to yourself is cruel and hard. I admit it. I was in denial for a long time. I did not look gay; I did not believe it could be passed down in genes, so how could I of all people be gay? God knows, I would not willing choose to be different then all my best girlfriends so why was I lucky one? Thoughts swirled and tormented my little brain for so long I thought I would go crazy. I tried everything. I still dated boys even after I knew I liked girls, I stopped dating all together, I made family and friends set me up with the opposite sex just so I could still say I was straight. To say the least it did not work. Why? Because that was not me. I am not straight, I am not gay, I am me. Only recently did I have this realization.
Knowing deep down that you are different is only the first step. Each stride you take takes you closer to coming out. We may come out to our friends and families all at once, or one by one, but in the end it is only to our selves, it really matters. Being true to who you know you really are is a life long accomplishment. Know that it will not happen overnight. It is a process and a journey that is uniquely yours and yours alone.
Ask your self this. Who do I want to be? You are the sculptor of your future and you hold the key. Dig deep and find the person buried under all the façade. You are not your sexual orientation. Do not ever think this holds you back from pursuing your dreams or ambitions. Understand that accepting the fact that you are who you are is only the first step. Accomplishing the rest is the bigger picture.
Our paths all vary in size and shape, but keep in mind that while you may feel alone in your passage you have one big world waiting to hold its arms open and accept you for who you are. We are never alone in our accomplishments, just keep your eyes open for the community and support you crave. I know its closer then you think.
Beautiful post.