thelesbianlifestyle.com

I’ve finally took the plunge and here I am writing, inched a bit by what Eshne posted on this site. I was born to a very Catholic family in a country where religion and state are a one whole thing. All the male components from my mother’s side were priests and my maternal grandmother an x-nun. I always thought there was something, how shall I put it “odd”, that really didn’t fit in, in my life or actually the life that was expected out of me. My mother had foreseen the trouble ahead and tried to amend with what she was brought up with, priests, nuns and finally therapists. I had been a dyke and everybody somehow sensed it but the problem was that I wasn’t aware of it. If someone at that time told me what was happening, that someone would have spared me a lot of pain and uncountable incomprehensions which costs me friends and fostered enemies.

I tried to live out what was expected from me but at the end I couldn’t stand it anymore.
Nearly 12 years ago I emigrated to Italy. I had meet a man at that time with whom I lived with for 5 years and was nearly going to get married. I thought leaving my country and living with a man would fix out things. But it wasn’t that way. At the end, with the help of a kinesiologist, whom I will never have enough words to thank, I started my self discovery expedition.

I’ve lived in complete denial of my homosexuality for 33 years out of my present 35 years.
Coming out, first to myself and then to my family, has been a painful process to me cause I knew there was going to be a major schism that will take time to heal if it will ever do. Living in a country which is not my own, somehow enabled me to find myself because many a times I had only myself to rely on. For sure this enabled me to discover my own personality, something which in my country I would never had the opportunity to do.

Now I’m much more of a woman than I had ever been in all the previous years of my life summed together. I was a butch when I didn’t know who I was and more of sporty femme now that I know who I am. However the isolation, which an outsider in a foreign country naturally feels, has obviously amplified with being a lesbian, in a country, where being gay can cause you serious trouble. (Not as much as my motherland).

I’ve only came out to a couple or so of the few friends I have and one of them is English (and in her sixties). I came out to them when I thought it was strictly necessary because I found I was lying too much about my life and felt I was not being true to my friendship. I struggle quite a lot, balancing the need to keep private my sexual orientation, being myself and not being rude. I dread the notorious question “What about your boyfriend?” or “Bring your boyfriend with you.”. For most of them I don’t have one but I do have a ring on my left annular finger. Most of them don’t even know that I live with my girlfriend. If eventually due to dire straits I have to admit that someone else is living with me, I usually put the blame on living expenses.

I know very, very few lesbians (four) and only have sporadic contact with them due to different lifestyles. All this makes me feel lonesome, somehow still living a lie and not being true to myself. On the other hand I’m very aware of all the repercussions implied, coming out to non gay-friendly society.

Yes, sexual orientation is just a part of our lives but it is a major one due to the importance given by the society in which I live. Homosexuality would be no problem if it was plainly accepted as another physiological trait that defines a person, like having curly hair , blue eyes and being 1m 80 tall.