2008
I hate still loving her even more
I let her in. She was the one I ran to when I was on the verge of tears. The one I wanted by my side when life threw all of it’s knives, bullets, and storms my way. She was the one woman after so many long years that I could open my heart to and allow inside my soul. She cheated on my heart. She made me believe that she was sweet and courageous. She made me see her in a light that made her nothing but good. She took my hand and promised she would always be there and then one day she ripped the love from my being.
She listened. She let me know that every thing would be okay and assured me that our lives would go on as planed. She loved me while loving another and now that she’s gone I can’t breathe or eat or even think about letting anyone else in. She broke me. She fixed me and then broke me into a million pieces.
What is it that I should do now that I know that my angel was the devil in disguise? What is it I should say to any one that may want this fucked up heart in the future. Shall I tell them that I will do my best to love them, but my heart will always be hers? Should I cry to them and pretend to open up knowing that they will never know the secrets that I gave her?
She took more of me when she left than I ever thought I could lose and still sit here and type this. She was my hope, and is now the haunt that I will be running from for the rest of my life. Because I still love her. Because she still owns my heart. Because all that I am she departed with and left me with a few final words.
She was and still is my dream. She was the only way my eyes could dare look into the future. She cheated on us. She cheated on us even though there were so many times that us what all we had. I hate her for that. I will never forgive her for her decisions. I will never look for love again. She was the one, and my one faked all that she was. It’s just that all I’m left with is the vision of an angel. The one woman that made this heart beat without regret if only for a little while.
She cheated, but it’s me who will forever be cheated out of love without her. There will never be another her, and I’ve given up on ever finding me again. So if you see her tell her I’m still here. Waiting to feel something. Waiting to remember the way her smile brought mine to life. Tell her I love to hate her, but I hate still loving her even more.
No there will not be another her, there will be a different her, a better her, a loyal her. it may be so hard to believe now… but in time you shall regain your sanity which im sure you feel you have lost now.
You will find the better, loyal, trustworthy and true love of your life…
believe me although it makes no sense to you now, you shall heal and see it yourself.