thelesbianlifestyle.com

I wrote this letter for a good friend of mine. I am posting it here because I think it’s a good example of how certain relationships effect us.  

It was interesting to see your true colors, even if it was odd to read words from you that I never thought would be said. You have always towered over me, represented the dark in me. Even when we first met we could see each other in the others eyes. You yearned for my kindness while I couldn’t stop practicing your abrasive approach. You read some of my fiction. You said the main character reminded you of yourself. I fessed up and told you I wrote that character via my alter ego. The woman I am in my mind. I had your attention via the reflection our souls made together. I was holding you still, while so many would find it easier to chase you. My secret was that I simply had no chase left.

I still come to you. Even after all this time and all the different faces we have smiled at. I come to you because I’ve found in you something I have yet to find in anyone else. It’s an understanding, a balance, a secret society were you and I are the only residing members. I look to you for reassurance. Reassurance that I’m not as insane or as far gone as I sometimes allow myself to believe. You always deliver, even if your response is only a sentence long.

Your last recommendation was that I needed to get out of the way of myself. What a brilliant assumption. What a beautiful way to say “stop being such a selfish, depressed, unalive fuck!” I love you for that. I love you for being honest. For not bullshitting me into believing everything will be okay. Laying it out there for me. Telling me in no uncertain terms that if I don’t make changes nothing will change. So walk taller, pull every ounce of confidence you have to the surface, and be the woman you are in your mind. I will never stop loving you for showing me that ones life is connected to ones love. If you don’t love yourself the progression of life simply stops. I am where I was 10 years ago. I am there because since then I have hated myself. Since then I have been searching for a fairy tale that I can only find once I’ve written it.

You reminded me that my romantic notions were simply an excuse to not move on. “She isn’t half as amazing as you have created her to be.” You would say with a fitting amount of sarcasm in your voice. Oh, how we both love our I told you so moments. I just needed to thank you in a public sort of setting. I needed to let you know that your words, however small or limited, have not gone unheard. I am well aware of the work ahead of me. I am well aware that I have to figure out how to love someone that I have hated for so long. It is with your soft touch and guidance that I will soon become a version of me that I can love. For that, I will never be able to thank you enough.