2008
Just how gay are you?
Living up in the northeastern US, I am fortunate to have spent most of my life around rather accepting individuals. Boston, for example, has a really great, diverse community and New York is just a hop, skip, and a jump away. Even Providence is pretty a-ok in terms of LGBT acceptance–currently, the local PFLAG and Youth Pride Inc. chapters are sponsoring a citywide ad campaign (you can check it out here).
I’m still a rather young, so my experience with what I like to call social homophobia remains quite limited. ‘Social homophobia’ encompasses any homophobic remarks or statements coming from the community. ‘Home-front homophobia’ is how I refer to homophobia from your parents, siblings, and other relatives. This type of homophobia usually kicks in when we first come out, and it feels different when a parent or a sibling is homophobic as opposed to when a friend or a neighbor is homophobic. Anyways, I personally feel that social homophobia can be more painful than ‘home-front homophobia.’ Whatever happens between us and our relatives, we still have faith, at one level or another, in the ‘bonds of family.’ However, with friends and in the community, homophobic remarks are particularly hurtful since (1) we choose our friends and, as a result, they are more disposable and (2) hate-contaminated communities can leave us isolated and insecure.
Yet, on Saturday, I got a good dosage of nice clean social homophobia. I went out to lunch with two friends (one knew I was gay, the other did not), and one girl was talking about her new beau. She turned to me and asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no, but I have a girlfriend. Suddenly, she sat up straight and exclaimed, “YOU’RE BI!” I said, no, “I’m gay.” (Heads turned.) Well, she couldn’t believe it, and asked for a clarification, “You mean you’re lesbian? You like women?” For affirmation, she turned to my other friend who responded with, “She’s a little bit lesbian.”
I was a little appalled by the way they treated the situation. I am rather used to people not caring at all about my sexual orientation, and it not being an issue. Or, if they do care, they search for my ‘root’ (shameless “But, I’m a Cheerleader” plug) behind my back, I couldn’t care less. Quite frankly, I’m not used to this kind of humiliation, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I’m open with most of my friends, with the exception of those that are blatantly homophobic. However, this particular friend’s response shook me, but what bothered me most was the last comment: “She’s a little bit lesbian.” Apparently, its an affliction. I’m only a little bit gay. No, not like those biker chicks or Ellen or Rosie–there’s only a touch of “gayness” in me. Like when people have a “touch” of a cold and spray mucus everywhere when they sneeze.
Yes, they’re a little sick. But if you ask their girlfriends or boyfriends or whatever, they’ll probably give you the whole story.
Rose, I’m 30 years old and have never had an “in my face” homophobic experience. What I have learned is that if someone is truly your friend they will stick around, even after the initial shock. I would take your friend to dinner and talk about things more in depth. Starting with the fact that being gay doesn’t come in doses like “a little bit!”