thelesbianlifestyle.com

… I have space to listen what is going on inside me.

Basically, I feel always alive when I am in a “flow” of doing something, not necessarily something I find enjoyable as such but something that I do well. I do not particularly enjoy all the tasks that my job consists of, but when something I put a lot of work in is coming along well, this experience makes me feel very alive.

In very stressful periods that do not give me enough time to do something for myself or pursue any of my preferred activities (writing, reading, drawing, being with my favourite people etc.), I feel I get so totally out of touch with myself and that is something I find extremely hard to take. It starts with this feeling of being only a mask of myself with nothing inside, an exterior that looks like me but does not have a lot of what makes me me inside. Those are the moments when it becomes most important to stop a while within the bustle of all the tasks that I must fulfil. To snatch a moment to feel myself again, to unite again the exterior and the interior that I consist of. I am not only the HR manager, I am also the writer, the painter, the lover, the friend, the daughter and granddaughter. There are moments when one needs to fill the reservoir with pictures, sounds, smells – with sensual experiences.

This is also part of why a separation makes us feel so out of tune, so lifeless. It is not only the absence of the one we love/ or used to love, the loneliness. It is also that we get out of touch with ourselves by losing this important dimension of ourselves. A very important shade of what and who we are is being constantly reflected, mirrored in a relationship – when this facet is suddenly gone – the balance is gone as well.