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Well, instead of doing the standard intro for my first post, I’m going to regale you with a story from my past. If you’re squeamish I would not read this.

My grandmother was a royal nightmare, everyone in my family hated this woman with the utmost passion usually reserved for cockroaches. Trust me, she was pure evil. Unfortunately, she was also pickled from a lifetime of drinking and lived to the ripe age of 90 something. So one night when I was about 15 my da gets this call from the nursing home. Along the lines of come quick so you can say goodbye type of conversation. So my da, my bro and me pile into the pickup and head to town. We get there and they say that she’s going quick, would we like to say goodbye? We’re like, na that’s ok we’ll just wait out in the lobby, just come get us when she dies. The nurse looked suitably horrified and left without a word. So we wait, and we wait and we wait some more, finally, a feller in a dark suit comes out and asks my da which funeral home we would like her sent to. My da, he says, that’s ok we got a good piece of plywood out in the truck you can just load her on that and we’ll take her home. The guy just about dropped his clipboard and started stuttering about how we can’t do that, that it’s illegal and all sorts of bunk. My da shook his head and said it’s perfectly legal, all ya gotta have is a plot of ground set aside for such purposes. So, the feller just turned around and stalked off and about 5 minutes later a couple of guys with a gurney wheeled the old lady out to the lobby. We show ‘em out to the truck where me and my bro haul her onto the plywood and we book back to the ranch. Or so we thought, by now it was 2 in the mornin’ and we suddenly remember to grab some ice so she don’t get to smelling too awful bad. We stopped at the local mart and my dad jogged in and bought up load of ice while my bro and me sat in the truck. Anyway, we finally got home and set the old lady down in this plywood coffin my da made and we call it a night.

Next mornin’ all the relatives show up and we had a little viewing out in the garage and then a bunch of the old men bent down and lifted the coffin into the back of the pickup. We drove down the hill from the house and hauled the coffin to the grave site. By then everyone was just hollerin and cryin something awful and there’s my da, my bro and me standing in the back trying to understand why on earth all these people were throwing such a fit. My da, he’s says that his mother was a bitch and that he wished she woulda died sooner so we wouldn’t of had to pay for nursing home bills and how’s about we go out for some burgers once we got her buried. Finally everyone left and it’s just my da, my bro and me, so we get the ropes ready and we start lowering her into the ground. All was going well until I lost my end of one of the ropes and suddenly the coffin started to twist sideways and then it dropped completely down into the ground. The coffin ended up on it’s side and my da looked down and he thought for a moment and he turned to us and said, “fuck it, she should be happy that we didn’t bury her ass end up.”

Well, hope ya liked the story and yes, I’m afraid it’s true, but that’s just the way we are in my family.