2008
…Life takes a turn…
Here we go… Im 20 years old… and experienced my first relationship with a girl at the age of 17. I always had a huge attraction towards girls, but found it not questionable when i started dating my first girlfriend. We dated 2 years and i fell DEEP and HARD for this girl… To make a long story short.. yadda yadda i got my heartbroken because i loved someone that filled our relationship with lies. So it took me about a year to get over her. I never thought id meet another person as compatible in my heart as she was for me… THEN LIFE TAKES A TURN! Get this… a few weeks ago… on the exact date of 4/20/2008.. I went to a club with some of my friends… It was after work and it was something to do and shit.. we didnt work until 11am the following day so we decided to go with the flow! We got a little drunk and my friend and myself like the drunk girlies we are.. LOVE going around letting gorgeous girls know just how gorgeous we think they are regardless of their orientation (hehe). Well it just so happens that my friend approaches this girl outside… jokingly slaps her butt and tells her shes hott. I was actually embrassed my friend did this because when i second glanced at this girl she was so gorgeous it literally made my jaw drop! And i say that with absolutly no exageration. I was lost for words and i usually am the one to be completly outgoing and tell girls how i feel without hesitation… ESPECIALLY WHILE IM DRUNK! Well anyways.. i kept gazing at this girl and i was saying outloud so she could hear me “WOW SHE IS GORGEOUS”… until i finally got her attention :). She slowly edges more my way and procedes to tell me about her brand new breast implants (striking conversation i guess). I told her they were nice, then i followed with the conversation, although it was hard for me to MAKE conversation because i got lost in how gorgeous she was (YES YES SO CHEEZY). I got around to asking her if she liked girls… and she literally laughed outloud. I felt my heart drop an inch, but then she proceeded to say, ” I just got out of a 2 year relationship with a girl, and she screwed me up with her bullshit, so im done with girls”. I proceeded to tell her how shitty of a 2 year relationship i also had by the end of the conversation i swapped my number in her phone because i forgot my own. I left with the biggest grin on my face because when i told her we should hangout she acceptingly agreed. The whole drive home i was hoping and praying she would call or text me… and about 10minutes after leaving, i recieved the most random little text from this (949) number i had never seen before. I must have looked like a happy little 5 year old running out to the ice cream man on a hot day… the smile on my face was just about as cheezy as it could have possibly been…. I find out she is a single MOTHER, yes… MOTHER of TWO beautiful girls. Apon realizing this it was almost an instant NEXT in my book… because for 1. I dont want a girl that has a baggage of baby daddy drama in her life, and 2. This girl DATES BOYS. I dont know how it is for any of you readers… but girls that date boys or whatever you want to call it.. when thats not something youre personally interested in (im lesbian) .. its pretty hard to deal with. Plus the whole kid thing.. i mean WHOA!!! Thats a whole other world in itself that i have absolutly no idea how to deal with. Im 20 years old and shes 22! For some odd reason i tried to ignoore this and i decided to hangout with her at her house… I went over to watch a movie the next day.. and it was almost like an INSTANT connection. There was no doubt that the amount of chemistry we had for eachother was large enough to crowd a room. This girl has me so “star struck”. Every little facial gesture she makes, her sloppy hair, adorable smile… i mean seriously EVERYTHING i never thought it was possible. So proceeding the first date we went on another.. we went to the beach and got some drinks and we literally sat there for hour after hour just talking about life and our experiences with it…. nothing sexual whatsoever.. just her presence made me feel amazing! Following the night we were driving home and she realized i wasnt sober enough to drive home yet.. so in the middle of the drive she pulls over the car on the side of the road and we just stare at eachother… and it was magnetic we both charge eachother and have the absolutly hottest makeout session i have ever experienced. Just the lips of this girl drove me insane… we must have kissed for a good half an hour before realizing we were still in the middle of the road!! The next day.. same situation.. we hangout, went shopping then go to her house to sleep.. we have our little makeout session on the bed and it may seem scary… but i already felt as if i loved this girl in my heart… no.. not FELT. I DID love her! And before i could even say if she blutted out the words first and my heart dropped so hard and all i could do was shake my head a million times fast. Is it true??????? How could i Love this girl so fast? Like seriously? Since those days, i have hung out with her almost every single day for the past 3 weeks… and i am now positive that i am in love with this girl! She is the most amazing person i have ever come into contact with… but i guess the reason i am writing this blog is for a few reasons…
1. How is it that I have fallen for a girl SO FAST! My last relationship didnt have as strong of an impact as it does with this girl and we both can agree to that its insane!
2. How do you involve yourself in a relationship with a girl that has TWO CHILDREN! This is another language to me.. seriously… but i can honestly say that i feel enough love for this girl i can try to make it work. Her children LOVE me.. and im already bonding with them. Its just so scarry i cant even imagine making this happen.
3. Shes only dated one other girl… as have I… but im pretty positive im a lesbian, and as for her… she dosent even find herself looking for girls.. the attraction is there but shes always dated guys. Thats scarry for me.. but shes reassuring that shes never felt this amazing with anyone.. and i know its early but i really see a future with this girl and she excitingly agrees. We cant get enough of eachother i know its early!
I JUST NEED SOME OPINIONS AND HELP AND ADVICE AND STORIES
! Im really excited for all this but its so much for me to take in at once… I mean a month ago it was about casual hookups and now I have a girlfriend im head over heels in love with that has two children! HELP ME OUT!
Hi Envy,
First of all, congrats on the new relationship. New relationships are always exciting and sometimes a bit scary because we don’t want to lose that euphoric feeling.
In answer to your first question about whether it is possible to fall in love so fast, yes it is. I’ve been with my partner for 10+ years now and I fell in love at first kiss.
HOWEVER, prior to this I had been through a lot of heartbreaks with several other women over the previous 10 years. I had also been in recovery from alcoholism (which is not to assume that you have any addiction issues, just sharing my experience).
The heartbreaks and time in recovery taught me vital (albeit painful) lessons that allowed me to make my current relationship the success that it is.
My advice to you is not to lose your identity in the relationship. Your worth as a human being isn’t based on the fact that you have a girlfriend. Don’t let the relationship or your girlfriend define who you are. This is a mistake a lot of us make, especially when we’re young.
As for the children issue, you have to decide if you are willing to accept the sacrifices and responsibilities that having kids involves. Not all of us are ready for it, especially at age 20. I’m twice your age and I still have no interest in raising kids.
If you’re up for dating someone with kids, great. If not, it’s okay to say, “I love you, but I’m not ready for that level of commitment.”
Your third question is a toughie. Newly out lesbians/bisexuals may not have fully sorted out their sexual orientation. After years in the straight world, the challenges of living as a lesbian can be overwhelming. There may be a lot of waffling at first (may last a few years). That doesn’t make them bad, just human.
You have to decide if you’re willing to take the risk of dating someone who may decide to go back to men. It’s happened to me. It broke my heart. I healed. Life goes on.
The bottom line is this. Life is about choices and consequences. Not all consequences can be anticipated. We all carry baggage, especially those of us in the queer community.
To increase the probability of success for any relationship or the probability of finding a healthy relationship, you have to focus your attention on becoming the best person you can be. Learn to love yourself unconditionally. Realize that your worth as a person has nothing to do with who you’re with. Treat everyone with respect. Let go of all resentments and judgments. Let go of everything that isn’t love.
Best of luck in the new relationship. Trust the process.
Peace,
Dharma Kelleher
http://www.dharmashanti.com