2008
Confronting my breeder-phobia
I’ve been noticing it a lot lately. Most recently, I went to Sprouts to grab a quick sandwich and then do some shopping. But when I looked for a place to sit and eat, all of the tables and chairs had been taken up by these two twenty-something mothers and their broods of strawberry-blond, blue-eyed toddlers. That’s when the evil demon of breeder-phobia crept up, filling my mind with resentments and heterophobic epithets.
Another time, my wife Gadgetgal and I were walking from the parking lot to see a movie when I spotted a minivan with those stick figure decals in the window, with a dozen stick figure kids. The minivan was very dusty and I couldn’t stop myself from writing the word “Breeder” with my finger in the dusty back window.
Most of the time, I’m a very warm, compassionate person. And over all, I have nothing against straight people. I have quite a few straight friends whom I love deeply. But I have to admit that at a certain level, I suffer from breeder-phobia, especially when I see these young mommies with perfect hair and perfect makeup, who’ve given up their careers to become baby factories. When I encounter such people, my thinking gets ugly.
I don’t want to be this way. It’s hypocritical. It’s counterproductive. It’s irrational, and it robs me of my peace of mind. Why should I be resentful of them just because they are young, beautiful and straight? What makes being a full-time mommy any less valid than being an accountant or a train conductor or a research scientist?
Having recognized the problem, I now say to myself, whenever those resentments arise, “I am willing to see this differently. I am willing to let go of everything that isn’t love.” In time, I believe that my breeder-phobia will transform into acceptance and respect. And I will be a lot happier for it.
Peace out, namaste and rock on!
Dharma Kelleher
for what it’s worth, i have straight friends who never had kids who have a similar reaction. as though those of us who did choose to spawn, by virtue of reproducing, are casting judgment on those who made different choices. as a mother, i promise you i didn’t have children to make any sort of statement to anybody. i wasn’t forced, didn’t feel compelled by my upbringing to birth. for me, one day and very unexpectedly, i knew it was time. my hair was never perfect and my kids were never completely clean at any one moment and i never, never, never drove a minivan. and my love for my babies (now teenagers) has no politics.