Hello darkness my old friend

Jun
2008

Hello darkness my old friend

It is unbelievable to me how easy it is to fall back into old familiar habits, frighteningly easy. And yet here I sit, knife in hand, and covered in blood. My poor ol’ keyboard is hating me at the moment. Nothing I won’t live through, though.

I remember what they said when they released me from the mental hospital, they told me “you’ll never be able to hold down a job and you’ll never be able to hold a relationship together.” I was pretty pissed to say the least. I knew in my heart that the doctors were wrong and that I was better than that.

But there comes a time in a person’s life when they have to admit that maybe the experts might have had a point. I am toeing that line in the sand at this very second as I write this, and I’m thinking that crossing it is going to suck. Hard.

My brain is perfectly rational at the moment, it’s telling me the usual things: “it wasn’t your fault, these things happen, she just didn’t feel the same way about you”, all the rationalizations that you tell yourself when a girl dumps you. But my heart just ain’t buying it and so we have the finished result, me, shirtless, bleeding and more than just a little drunk.

The drunk part is why I’m whining on a lesbian blog. The bleeding part is because I have a long love affair with sharp pointy things. And the shirtless part is because, well, I’ve got tattoos everywhere else so my poor ol’ beer gut has become a cutting board.

Thank you for listening, I’m off to guzzle the gin.

Post Information

Posted by: Moe
Contact the Author
Posted in Abuse, Rant
4 Comments »

Comments

4 Responses to Hello darkness my old friend

Are you going to be OK?

If you need to talk, email me offline… Seriously, I am a bit worried about you!

Reply – Quote

by Fiesty Charlie on June 25th, 2008 at 12:41 AM

Moe,

I understand where you’re coming from. I understand the siren’s call of cutting. I know the all-too-familiar allure of emotional darkness.

But no matter what any psychiatrist tells you, this is not your destiny. Even now, there is hope. I do not say that lightly. And I’m not promising a lifetime of emotionally sunny days. But I can tell you from my own personal experience, as someone who has been through decades of hell, there is a way out. And you are not alone.

Many thousands of us have been where you are. And many of us crawled and scraped our way out of that same hell. Keep reaching out to those of us who have been there. Find SI support groups, preferably in person, but online can help, too. Together, we can find the wisdom and courage to face down our demons.

Here are some resources that I list on my own website.

Self Injury Support http://www.sisupport.org/
Positive and productive self-injury support site providing alternatives to self-injury, referrals, support groups, affirmations and interactive opportunities.

Self-Injury: A Struggle http://self-injury.net/
My name is Gabrielle and I am twenty-three years old. I have been hurting myself for over seven years. This website was made to let self-injurers know that they are NOT alone and to help their friends and family.

Pyske.org
Articles, discussion boards, personal stories, pictures, coping tips and poetry dealing with self-injury and suicide. Bookstore with selected books on self-injury.

Moe, you are worth loving. You have a right to be happy. And you are free to email me anytime. I’m listening and I care.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
dharmashanti@gmail.com
http://www.dharmakelleher.com

Reply – Quote

by Dharma on June 25th, 2008 at 10:39 AM

I hope when you wake up today you’re feeling better and realize that there is someone out there for you and cutting isn’t the answer (I know you know this). Take a shower, go outside and get some sun and put one foot in front of the other. Good luck today.

Reply – Quote

by Maggie on June 25th, 2008 at 11:27 AM

Wow I was right here in February. Tequila’d out and cutting away the pain of betrayal. I hadn’t cut for nearly a decade, when I was a young sprite wandering the halls of high school. Now, as a grown woman, I understand that sometimes you don’t have any other choice but to touch the darkness. I didn’t gather from your blog that you are suicidal, just in alot of pain.

But in case you are, my coping mechanism is to make a list of the radical shit I have to do before I go, since there is no rush to off oneself. There’s no way you’ll finish the list, and you’ll change your mind within a week.