It’s finally here. The TLL Advice Panelists have tackled the questions sent in by our readers and we have given our advice. Please feel free to leave your advice for these questions in the comments section of this post.

If you have a question you would like to pose to the panelists fill out the form here.

Check out the questions and answers after the jump…

Name: Stacey F
Age: 23
Question: I’ve been a reader of TLL for a long time now. I love the site and think the new advice panel is really cool.

I have an issue that I would like to allow all of you to tackle. My best friend and I have always been really close. As best friends should. She recently started dating a girl that I’m not to fond of. She’s one of those controlling girls. She only wants to hang out with her friends and I find that I’m seeing my best friend less and less.

I’ve tried to do my best to keep in touch with her, but I’m afraid I will be tossed to the side due to her new love. I know this happens a lot, but I really don’t know what to do at this point and would love some advice.

Hoping to save both relationships,

Stacey

Kelly Leszczynski

Stacey,

Losing a friendship sucks. It sucks even more in your BF’s new girl is pulling her away intentionally. I’ve seen it happen though, I think we all have. When a similar situation arose between myself and one of my close friends I sat her down and we talked about it. After the talk I was pretty sure it didn’t go well. After a month or so my friend saw the light and broke up with her crazy now ex girlfriend.

However, this doesn’t mean it will go the same with you. Some times love blinds people and they can’t see things that they were once pointing out about couples at the local dyke bar. If you don’t talk to her you could lose her for good. If you do talk to her it ‘could go either way. I’m sure you can do the math on the odds.

Lesbians really need a motto the likes of “Bros before hos” Do we have something like that yet. If so fill me in.

Hope we could help you out,

Kelly

Tina-cious

Hi Stacey,

First of all, thanks for being the first brave soul to send us a question!

Ok, onto your question — every lesbian relationship I have ever known went into a sort of gestation period — not to be confused with a gyration period though they can sometimes be one in the same — when they first become serious.

We’re nesters, it’s what we do.

What sounds bizarre to me is that your BF (best friend for the acronym-ically impaired) is going out but only with her girl’s friends.

But I think I need more information on the new girl before I send out the Lesbian Mafia to kick her ass for meddling in your friendship. Like, do you not like the new girl because you think she’s keeping you from your BF or for other reasons? And have you asked your BF to go out and she turned you down?

Without knowing all that, the best that I can tell you is to corner your BF without the new girl (maybe email?) and tell her that you miss her friendship and that you’re concerned that it’s slipping away and can you spend more time together. I would also mention to her that you know she’s going out with the new girl’s friends and can maybe next time they go out she invite you?

Try not to take it personal though. A new piece of as..errr.. aesthetically pleasing womanhood makes even the best of us act a bit irrationally for a while.

She”ll come back around.

Oh, and p.s. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE NEW GIRL to your BF or all will be lost.

(Still trying to think of a cool sign-off….)…
Tina-cious

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Stacey on the Side,

Don’t think of it as losing a friend. Think of it as gaining…oh, hell, who am I kidding? Let’s face it, you’re probably going to be seeing a bit less of her from now on. Not what you wanted to hear, I’m sure, but don’t despair. All is not lost.

Your friend is going through an adjustment period. She and her new lover are probably still feeling each other out (get your mind out of the gutter), trying to learn each others eccentricities, setting boundaries, and checking out U-Haul’s specials of the week. Tempting though it may be, especially if your friend’s new girlfriend is a controlling biatch, you really don’t want to get in the middle of that.

Give them time to get settled, but still try to maintain at least some occasional (once every week or so) contact with her (email, texting, singing mammogram, etc.). Don’t be afraid to express your concerns about spending less time with her, but don’t dis the relationship or the new girlfriend. Big NO-NOs!

If worse comes to worst and she vanishes completely (assuming her picture isn’t on the back of a milk carton), release her with love to the care of the Universe/God/Goddess. Don’t try to control her. Don’t become a stalker. And don’t create a myspace page telling the world just how much she sucks as a friend. Just move on with your own life and develop new friendships.

Remember that you are worth loving!

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher
www.dharmakelleher.com

Shanna Katz

Hey Stacey–

This sounds like a problem that most people face at some point in their lives; best friend + new partner = “where do I fit in?!?!” It’s hard; we build close friendships, and don’t mind it when we like our friend’s newest fling, but as soon as they choose someone we don’t feel is quite right for them, that’s when we start going on the defense.

Just like I tell everyone who asks about anything to do with sex or relationships, communication is key. Talk to your friend; explain what you’re worried about. Granted, she may just assuage you with “oh, I’d never choose her over you, you have nothing to worry about,” but at least you’ve put it out there!

Why don’t you establish a special BFF’s only night? It could be once a week, once a month — you need to figure out your schedules. Set aside this time for the two of you, and only for the two of you. Maybe it’s martinis and dancing, maybe it’s a local sporting event. Choose something you both like, and make sure it is clear that her newest love is not in the picture. Put this in pen in your planner, and agree to cancel it only on pain of death.

If you can work up the nerve, talk to the new girl too. Explain that you are not trying to intrude on their relationship, but that your relationship between the two of you is important too. I’m guessing (hoping?) that she’s not a completely malicious person, and will understand the need for you to continue building and strengthening your relationship. Maybe she doesn’t realize how controlling she is being.

Worse comes to worse; your friend tells you to mind your own business, her girlfriend tells you that YOU’RE the controlling one, and you slowly drift apart. Maybe the friendship wasn’t as strong as you thought, or maybe you’ll be able to rekindle it a little later (possibly when she’s moved on to her next leading lady).

Best of luck Stacey!

-Shanna

Lori Hahn

Stacey,

This is an easy one, Stacey. Coffee. Smell it. Please take your supposedly good friend aside and talk to her and tell her of your concerns. If she doesn’t know you are concerned or why, she will go on her gay way.

Be honest, be forthright…and by, goodness, if you have feelings for her outside of the parameters of what you described that you aren’t telling us about, you to step back.

Seriously, if she’s a good friend, you should be able to share your feelings about wanting some time for your friendship. But, as we know, when we get in a new relationship that chemical reaction is usually the only thing we focus on for a while. Don’t ever, ever say anything bad about the girlfriend. That’s a sure way to lose her friendship for good (or at least until they break up).

If you had a girlfriend, would you demand the same honesty?

Good luck.

Lori

QUESTION #2

Name: Lisa
Age: 29
Question: Dear Advice Panel,

First off let me say that I’m a rather easy going person. I like those around me to be happy, I enjoy summer concerts, and I won’t believe there’s a God until someone tells me that ice cream is good for you!!!

My question is this. What do you do when you’re tired of the whole lesbian scene? What do you do when you’re sick of the drama, tired of the nesters, and over the potluck dinners?

I just can’t do it anymore. I find myself hanging out with my straight friends more and more and avoiding the whole gay scene. I fear this will for sure infringe on my love life. Is there any way to dive back into the drama, or do you just have to put up with it?

In need of your advice,

Lisa

Kelly Leszczynski

Lisa,

It could have been me writing this question. For the past few years I could care less to do anything involving the GLBT community. This, after diving in head first when I was in my early twenties. I could go into a who myriad of examples, lessons, ect, but I won’t. Hell I’m trying to deal with the issue myself. All I can do is tell you what I’ve learned.

Friends change, scenes change, Hell we change all the time. Surround yourself with those who love you. Remember that many times people are at different stages in their lives and if you don’t hear from them for a while that doesn’t mean they don’t still love you. My newest pledge is to spend time with those that make me laugh. That said, I totally peed my pants this past Friday!

Love will come. Just do what you have to do to discover new things and find happiness. Don’t think of people in terms of their sexuality, remember their just people. Love will find you.

I feel your pain,

Kelly

Tina-cious

On Vacation

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Lisa,

If I understand you correctly, what you are expressing is common to a lot of minorities. We are ambivalent (strongly pulled in opposite directions).

On the one hand, being with people like us (in this case, lesbians) gives us that sense of connection, acceptance and solidarity. On the other hand, spending all of our time there can expose us to some not-so-healthy drama and denies us other experiences offered by mainstream society.

When we first come out, it is euphoric. Many of us dive headlong into all things gay, immersing ourselves in the experience. We hang out at the bars, volunteer for a dozen gay organizations, get a double-female symbol tattooed on our shoulder and put rainbows on every flat surface we can find. Okay, maybe that was just me.

Then perhaps we find ourselves disenchanted by the not-so-pretty side of the community. Or maybe we get overwhelmed by commitments or by all of the negative news about gay-bashing, anti-gay legislation or people dying from AIDS and Hep-C. Suddenly, we want to run away from it all.

It is not a sacrilege to want to spend less time in the gay community, especially now that more and more straight people realize that we’re not as dangerous as their ministers led them to believe (so long as they don’t feed us after midnight or get us wet — wait, that was “Gremlins”, never mind).

Spend time with people that score low on the drama scale and who love and accept you for who you are, regardless of whether they are gay or straight. Engage in activities that you enjoy, some can be homo-centric and others more mainstream. Find your balance.

To give you an example, I am a member of a lesbian reading group, but I also participate in some writing groups (I’m a writer, duh) and women’s support groups that aren’t gay-specific. I also spend a lot of time with my wife going to movies (thumbs up for WALL-E, Wanted, and Get Smart, BTW), concerts (George Michaels still puts on an impressive show), and restaurants. All of this makes me a more well-rounded person (especially all of the dining out — does this font make me look fat?)

As for affecting your love life, you didn’t specify whether you are currently in a relationship or if you are looking for one. If you are in a relationship, just explain to your girlfriend that you’re trying to find some balance in your life. If she doesn’t get that, maybe she’s creating a little too much of that dyke drama in your life.

If you’re looking for a relationship and are afraid that not spending every moment of every day on the Isle of Lesbos will decrease your chances of finding a loving, supportive partner, then relax! I met my wife of 10+ years through a mutual friend who happens to be straight and married with two kids. Happy, healthy people naturally attract fantastic people into their lives including potential mates.

If you’re desperate to find a girlfriend, STOP! No one (at least no one who is healthy) wants to hook up with someone who’s desperate. The most attractive people are the ones who don’t need a relationship. Learn to love yourself. Stop people-pleasing. Be a generous, trustworthy friend. Do this and love will show up unannounced.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher

Shanna Katz

Lisa -

This might seem like common sense, but you CAN spell dyke without D-R-A-M-A. No, really, you can.

I know the lesbian scene can be incredibly overwhelming. When I moved to Philly two years ago, I felt like I was back in high schools, with all the cliques, the who was dating/sleeping with who this week, the mini feuds, etc. I didn’t want to be involved with that…and after a few weeks, I was fed up, and decided to remove myself from it. I hung out with my close friends (straight and queer), and we did things we wanted to do; dancing, roller derby, bowling, book groups, trips to museums, etc. You don’t have to divide your friends between “straight” and “queer” and never the twain shall meet. Surround yourself with people who you like, enjoy being with, and who don’t cause the kind of drama that bothers you. Only go to events (potlucks, tupperware/fuckerware parties, etc) that YOU want to go to. It’s silly to go otherwise.

Create new events, whether mixed, or queer centered, that you like, and feel will be like less drama. Start a book group, or a wine tasting event, or a weekly sports watching party. Invite who you like, and don’t invite those in the scene that are making you feel so jaded. Make your own scene, if need be. The people you are friends with will do their best to help out with your love life; they’ll introduce you to their friends, or ask if they can invite someone new to your next shindig. Good friends help friends out…I promise. Otherwise, I’d never get lovin’, ever!

Don’t live your life trying to conform to any scene — you’ll just end up resenting it even more. I promise you, there are other women out there (hordes of them!) who feel the exact same way (and maybe some who aren’t even in the scene, and you’d never meet if you stayed exclusively in it), and would love to meet you through less drama heavy channels, like in a bookstore, or while hang gliding. Be yourself, and you’ll be a lot happier, AND meet women that match your style more than those in a scene that you already find trying.

Best of luck!

-Shanna

Lori Hahn

Okay. You do not have to put up with the drama. I live a pretty drama-free life and have good friends, have good times, and have romance in my life. Part of that is what I put out there. What are you putting out there? If you don’t want the one night stand that stays and stalks, don’t have one night stands. If you don’t want to co-mingle your households as soon as you co-mingle your bodies, wait to have sex for a while - maybe try the 10 date rule or pick a minimum period of time before jumping in the sack. Get to knew her. Decide to not be a stereotype. If you don’t want to watch your friends doing it, tell them you won’t. And don’t. Hanging out in bars where lowered inhibitions amplify the drama probably aren’t the place to find what you’re looking for. Don’t want to do another potluck? How about organizing something else? A kayak trip or miniature golf? This is all I’m saying - you don’t have to live in an environment you are sick of - create the environment you want. You have the power. You might lose some friends along the way, but I daresay you’ll find some people who are also into the drama-free who share your vision. You end up making your drama-free existence a self-fulfilling prophecy by making the choices you need to make to create that for yourself.

Lori

Do you have advice you would like to give? Be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Do you have a question you would like to pose to The Lesbian Lifestyle Advice Panelists? Find out more about the panelists and submit your question here.

* Please note that this advice should by no means be used as an actual diagnosis or therapy session. All of the panelists will be giving you their views from their own life experiences. If you have any further inquires please send them here.