thelesbianlifestyle.com

Name: Karla Peil

Age: 51
Location: Ontario, Canada

Question: How do I help my wife? Her best friend (my friend too) has fallen in love 1st time since we met her. Lovely lady, but my wife is so sad about losing her buddy’s time she is barely civil - to anyone. States she feels the new girl is being shoved down her throat. Not.

There has been a tight friend relationship with 5 of us - 2 couples and bf. Bf’s new lady is other couple’s sister. Not lesbian prev. But appears very sincere; appears to love our bf.
How do I preserve our circle and support my wife without losing all my dear ones?

Read the TLL Advice Panels answers after the jump…

Kelly Leszczynski

Hi Karla~

It happens. Love is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it does get in the way of friendships. I have had several friends come and go in my life, many times it was due to their new love interest. We all know how easy it is to get caught up in the thralls of love, especially in the beginning. I’m sure your wife remembers the beginning of your relationship. When perhaps she had forgone a night out with the girls to spend some time alone with you.

The other issue with love is that at times in can make people insane. You said that this was the first time this woman has fallen in love since you met her. Has it been years since her last relationship? If so then there is even more probability that you will lose her to her knew love for awhile. My advice would be to let things play out. The new shall fade and in that time your friend might even realize that she may have unknowingly overlooked friendships that mean the world to her. Remind your wife about the beginning of your relationship. A good friend is worth the wait.

Keep us posted,

Kelly

Tina-cious

Hi Karla!

Call me cynical but — I would find it awfully suspicious that my girl was upset that her “best friend” was in love with someone who doesn’t seem to be doing anything wrong.

Honestly — and I’m sure you don’t want to hear this but — I would be wondering if my wife was secretly wishing that SHE was dating “best friend”.

Her reaction seems really harsh which leads me to believe there’s more to it than she’s letting on.

It sounds like it’s time for a sit down with your wife and soon.

Good luck!

Truly,

Tina-cious

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Karla,

It sounds like your wife has some issues not simply with bf’s new girlfriend, but with bf and with herself. One of the dynamics unique to the gay community is the sometimes murky, suppressed feelings that comes with a friendship between lesbians.

That’s not to say that your wife is in love with bf, but that their may be some attraction (or any number of other feelings), and now feelings of abandonment, that she’s not yet able to process.

That said, you can’t fix her. You can’t make her stop feeling whatever it is she’s feeling. And you can’t make her be nice.

What you can do is try to create a safe environment for her to work through her feelings. You could say, “Hey, sweetie, you seem really upset. I hate to see you hurting. How can I help?” Just remember that this is her issue to work through, not yours. You can be available and offer support, and even set a boundary if her behavior becomes inappropriate, but you can’t fix the problem. And remember that feelings are not right or wrong. They are just feelings.

It also may be that she will need someone other than you to confide in (a therapist, a minister, or even another friend). If that’s what she needs, let her know that’s okay to. Be available without being smothering.

Hope that helps! Trust the process.

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher

Shanna Katz

Karla -

Now, keep in mind that I’m coming completely from an outside perspective, but there seems to be an easy fix; add her best friend’s new last to the “inner circle,” and viola! 3 couples in the group, your wife can still hang with her best friend, and her best friend stops feeling like the 5th wheel.

Ok, so I know that is not 100% of the answer, but it really does seem like an easy step. While it may not have been a conscious thing, imagine being single, and hanging out with a group of couples (at least one of them being married, so it seems) all the time. And you’re un-coupled. Single. Alone. After a while, whether you acknowledge it to yourself at all, it hurts. I know; I’ve been there at a lot (try being the designated driver AND the 9th wheel at a New Year’s celebration!). It makes things hard. And then *poof*. Suddenly you’re in a relationship, and this person is coupled WITH YOU. Wouldn’t you want to spend lots of time with them too?

Maybe she doesn’t feel she can bring her lady into the circle, because that’s what it is; a circle, and she doesn’t want to disrupt this. But invite her! You can still have your closeness, your inside jokes, all of that…but the best friend isn’t going to feel so much of the odd one out.

And tell your wife she should talk to her best friend; explain how she feels (without being rude or saying nasty things about her new partner), that she misses hanging out with her, and is afraid of losing their friendship. I bet ya that the best friend has no freaking clue she feels this way, and will want to try and set aside some special time for them.

Good luck to both of you!
-Shanna
www.ShannaKatz.com

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