thelesbianlifestyle.com

It seems like I’m on an endless journey when it comes to my gender identity. If you aren’t familiar you can check out past posts on my blog that are labeled “gender“, “butch” or “queer“.

Basically I identify as, what many consider a third gender or genderqueer. A female born masculine person. I also id as a butch dyke. (CONFUSED YET?) This could be broken down much further if I wanted to compartmentalize my identities, for instance, the feminine me feels like a dyke, the masculine in me feels like a straight trans guy. To sum it all up, the terms queer and butch work best for me but they may mean something different to me than they do to other people who use the terms.

What people who aren’t “in the know” see is all over the map. Many times, people I don’t know will initially see a guy or a teenage boy. Then once I open my mouth to speak or smile, they know I’m female. I enjoy the part before they realize I am female. Other times they see me as a butch dyke. I don’t mind that part so much.

What people who’ve always known me see, is a woman with short hair and guys clothing, a masculine woman, but she’s still a woman. Especially if they know the pre-coming out Jess. They see girl, female, woman. A lesbian.

I understand, really I do. Even if I were to spell it out to people, there’s a good chance they’d be really confused. I was for so long and I’ve been surrounded by gender fluidity conversations and information for years. I don’t want to explain it over and over. I just want it to be understood. I know I’m asking for a lot.

One thing’s certain. At this point and time in my life, I have no intention of transitioning to become a man and don’t think I ever will. It’s just not something that is for me. I do however plan to make some changes in my life that will help make things match up a bit better with my masculine interior, which is the part of me that I’m most comfortable identifying with. The other parts of my identity will always be there and cannot be denied, but there’s also no denying that changes need to be made in order for me to not hate the body I have.

Over the past couple of years I have been suppressing my feelings on the subject of my gender, out of fear, and in order to protect those who are closest to me. I think I’ve also done it to protect myself in a way. I am not going to do this anymore. Though nothing scares me more than losing someone I love, I can’t be someone I’m not in order to keep someone else close. It’s not fair to me because I will always feel like some thing’s missing, it’s not fair to them because they don’t get to know the real me. Fortunately enough for me, I don’t think I have to worry about losing anyone (i hope). I’m very fortunate to have a wife who loves me and is willing to try and see me the way that I’m most comfortable being seen. I’m fortunate to have a loving family who I really can’t see disowning anyone they love.

I have this talent(?) for blacking out painful parts of my past that I do not want to recall. I can also block out current feelings/issues that might be difficult to face in the same way. I just pack it away and forget about it. I basically still do that with certain aspects of my gender identity. I’m sort of in denial of certain things, if that makes sense. I did this after my breast reduction surgery and put away the feeling of having huge breasts/told myself I was happy with the surgery when I wasn’t. I don’t want to do that anymore. My past helped me become who I am, even if there are painful memories, they are part of me. My current issues need to be acknowledged and dealt with so that I can grow from them as well.

For years I struggled with having extremely large breasts. In my mind I saw these breasts as something that simply did not belong attached to me not to mention the physical pain they caused. I planned for years to get a breast reduction but what I really wanted was to not have breasts at all. In order to get my insurance company to cover the surgery I opted for the easier route. A drastic reduction. Drastically minimize the size and weight and they’d be easier to hide so my masculinity would benefit tons. Keeping my breasts also made my wife happy. Though she wouldn’t leave me if I were breastless, she is attracted to me the way I am and prefers me with breasts. She is, after all, a lesbian.

I thought the surgeon and I were on the same page as to how small I wanted to go, but apparently he did his own thing and left me with more breast tissue than I’d asked for. For the longest time I swore it had to be swelling from the surgery that just hadn’t gone down, but alas, it stayed firmly put. Though I was happy to be “almost there”, I was always way less than satisfied with the results. When I look in the mirror today, I am not at all happy with what I see. I want to see a flat chested Jess looking back at me. A more masculine Jess.

I went into denial about being unhappy with the results and have tried to be positive. I’ve tried to be pleased with my body. When I’ve got a sports bra, undershirt and a shirt on I am typically comfortable with my reflection. Somewhat confident. I recognize the version of me that I see in my mind. The version I am happy with. When the layers come off, I don’t see in the mirror, the Jess that I see in my mind.

Then there’s the name thing. My given name, Jessica. I don’t feel like it fits the genderqueer me. (I’ve blogged about this before.) I’m in the process of trying to come up with a gender neutral name. I’d like to keep my initials the same so it would be first name J. middle name L. I’m leaning toward Jesse for right now. I like the name and it’s the masculine version of Jessica, but part of me wants to change it to something different and new. We’ll see what happens.

As for my chest. Another surgery is out of the question now and for at least the next year, but it is inevitable unless I, by some miracle, become comfortable with my reflection.

Wish me luck.

You can read plenty more about me, my family, my pets and my vegetable garden over at http://houseofjero.com