Name: Lisa
Age: 40
Location: Los Angeles, CA

Dear Lesbian Lifestyle Panel:

I really need some advice!I seem to have gotten myself into quite the situation! I have an “ex girlfriend” that I was living with about five years ago. Our relationship did not work out and we had an ugly break up to say the least. We simply have very different values. Soon after we broke up, my ex got together with another girl who I will call Kathi. I knew she and Kathi were dating, but I had no idea that they were “engaged” and had moved in together! It seemed as if we were going to get back together as I only knew she was “dating” someone else, not cohabiting! My big mistake was when I found out she and the girlfriend were living together (it was about three months later,) I continued to see my ex-girlfriend. I know this sounds terrible, but as dishonest as my ex is, she is great in bed and we have an amazing connection.

During the months that I had an affair with my ex, even though I did not want to be in a “committed” relationship with her, I knew that the whole situation was dishonest. I finally told my ex girlfriend to “man-up and tell Kathi the truth and stop being so selfish. I mean, if she wanted to date multiple people, there is nothing wrong with it, just be honest! I also told my ex that she really should not bring her girlfriend around me because if I was asked what was going on, I was definitely going to tell.

Finally one day, the truth came out. Her girlfriend asked what was happening between me and my ex and I told her! Kathi was pissed to say the least! I had already told my ex that I was not going to lie about the situation and I suggested she not bring Kathi anywhere near me. I really don’t believe in being dishonest and I was ready for the whole charade to be over with anyway. Of course Kathi blamed me for everything and they rode off into the sunset together when I told my ex I wanted nothing to do with either one of them.

Fast-forward from 2004 to 2008. It took quite a long time but my ex and I finally became friends. She and I did not really talk or hang out for over a year and we stopped having sex. My ex and Kathi had broken up until recently but now that gay marriage is legal in California, Kathi showed up at her house and proposed. The other day I was talking to my ex and Kathi got on the phone to tell me that her and my ex were getting married and wanted to know if I wanted to be in my ex’s wedding party. She said they were going to get married that week. I was flabbergasted and all I could say was “I don’t really think it’s your place to ask me that…it’s her decision.” Personally, I think she was just being snotty. I told my ex that I did not want to interfere with her relationship and didn’t want anything to do with Kathi and if they were a “package” I totally understood and wished them a good life. At this point, I figured that this would be the end of the friendship but my ex said she and I could still be friends even though I and Kathi hate each other. She said she was not ready for marriage and they did not go to City Hall.

Recently, when my ex came over to help me move some stuff, we ended up back in bed! Of course the sex was great and the chemistry is still there, but I don’t want a relationship with her….she is simply not trustworthy. I care about her but I want a woman who is all mine, not mine and God knows who else’s! I also know I will never find a new relationship if I continue sleeping with my ex. I really want to open my heart up for someone else but damn the sex is good and it is tempting to do it just one more time. I feel a sense of bad déjà vu and do not know what to do. Should I continue to try to be friends with her or just wish her the best in her relationship with Kathi? Any suggestions would be gladly accepted.

Peace,
Lisa

Read the TLL Advice Panelists answers after the jump…

Lori Hahn

Lisa,

First, start being honest with yourself—you’re trying, I know, or you wouldn’t have written. I’m pretty sure you already know what you have to do. Something about the ex is like a LSD-laced Draino – you have this really groovy experience (the sex) before it totally kills you. Get a grip on your hormones. And, this has absolutely nothing to do with Kathi. It’s about this dangerous power dynamic between you and the ex. I’ll bet she gets quite a thrill bedding you despite your protestations of not wanting to get involved in all that. And, your ex will not change. You know that too. You have stated that you know this is bad for you, but you can’t resist the sex. Yes, you can. You need to shift the power to you and away from your ex. And, yes, it keeps you from being totally open for something better. If you really can’t resist the sex, then I think I can help find you a 12-step program. This is yet another form of addiction, less hard on your liver, but harder on your heart.

Lori

Shanna Katz

You’re not going to like what I have to say.

Stop having sex with her. No, really. Your “extra” information you shared with us, that you’re a recovering alcoholic, shows that you have a personality that is subject to addictions. You may have kicked the booze (good job and congrats!), but now you need to get rid of this addiction; sex with your ex. The sex may be greats, but two things: firstly, it’s not worth all the drama it’s causing (in EVERYONE’s life…yours, hers, and poor Kathi’s!), and secondly, there are (you may not believe me, but I PROMISE YOU) other people out there with whom you can have just as great, just as hot, just as satisfying sex. She is not the only one.

To me, it sounds like you need to quit her cold turkey; send her (or call her) an email, and wish her the best. And then leave it. Don’t answer her emails, her phone calls, her texts, her myspace messages, her anything. It’ll be hard, but remember, it’s for the best. It seems like you’ve tried something like this before, but obviously, 4 years of distance didn’t work in breaking the cycle. I hate the cliche “you win some, you lose some,” but in this case, it seems true. You’re realizing that she’s not going to work with you in a relationship, and you know what you’re doing isn’t healthy for either of you…so let her go, and start working on finding someone who will have hot sex with you, AND be in a relationship with you, which sounds like is what you’re looking for.

Best wishes!

Shanna
www.shannakatz.com

Dharma Kelleher

Dear Lisa,

You may have heard it said that an addiction is not getting enough of what you don’t want. You state that you don’t want a relationship with your ex, but you keep going after her. That’s an addiction.

Like you, I’m a recovering alcoholic (12 years). And like you, I have a history of getting myself entangled in relationships (both romantic and sexual) that were full of that irresistible, dysfunctional drama.

If I were your AA sponsor, I would tell you that you need to cease all contact with your ex and with Kathi. Period! You are clearly addicted to that situation and are unable to stop once you start. For you and I, it’s like stopping after half a beer.

If either of them call, don’t answer. If they show up at your door, don’t answer the door. If they email you, delete it WITHOUT reading it. This isn’t about them. This is about you and taking responsibility for your decisions. It’s about recognizing the situations that render you powerless and avoiding them. It’s time to set some boundaries. Bottom line: do not allow yourself to be where they are.

Keep working your program of recovery. Go to meetings. Work with your sponsor, and if you don’t have one, ask for one at every meeting until you get one. Read your program materials (Big Book, 12 & 12, etc.). Pray. Meditate. Call people in your program.

Remember, it works if you work it. And you’re worth it!

Peace out,
Dharma Kelleher

www.dharmakelleher.com

Tina-cious

Hi Lisa,

You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?

Yep. Walk away. It’s one thing when we were 20 and were playing around out there — nothing was serious. Nothing mattered… but at our age… well… it matters.

C l e a r l y nothing good is going to come of your relationship with your ex. Every time you two dip back into the each others lives, chaos seems to ensue.

Unfortunately now it’s familiar chaos. We’re good for inviting that back in. At some point in time you have to see that you deserve more. Never mind your ex or her girlfriend or whatever.

YOU deserve a drama-free existence. You deserve someone who sees only you. To quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (yum!) you deserve “the fairy tale”.

So why settle for sloppy seconds/thirds/fourths/fifths?

Move on. It’s not just a website.

Love and luck.

Truly,
Tina-cious

Kelly Leszczynski

Just walk away. It sounds more like lust than love. Sounds like your ex doesn’t know much about the later. Walk away and find the love that you deserve. Any more details would be a waste of both of our times.

I wish you well and hope you both see the truth in what’s going on,

Kelly

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